It's that time of year again! “Election season,” you may be thinking, but no, try again. “Springtime is coming!” Close, but no cigar, although I am particularly thrilled about the balmy sixty degree weather we've been enjoying here in New York City. No, no, it's FANTASY SUITE SEASON on The Bachelor! I love the fantasy suite episodes because they propose the highest risk and the highest drama. This is the big time, folks. Tell someone you love them and you might hear it back! Or, in one unfortunate Mrs. Higgins wannabe's case, tell them you love them and hear nothing back. Crickets. Tonight was full of emotional ups and downs as usual, so let's recap!
I'd just like to say that IMO, it would be worth it to make it all this way just to get dumped solely for the free trip to the Caribbean. I write this while prepping to head to Cancun tomorrow so, although I'm not totally jealous … I'm kind of jealous because this was all on ABC's dime and I just cleaned out my savings account to go to Mexico for four days. But I digress! These previews show every single girl telling Ben they love him. I feel like these girls have been so incredibly open on this season with their feelings. Everyone is in love with Ben! But I am too, so, whatever. We first head to Rio Chico, where Caila is staying. Sometimes I feel like being first up is the kiss of death, but who knows, I could be wrong. Ben and Caila just don't seem fantasy suite ready yet. They get into some kind of rustic paddleboat and travel around the island, which is pretty sick, but they barely talk the entire time. It's all forced and awkward small talk. I'm pretty sure Caila just doesn't know how to carry a conversation at this point. Like, come on, you made it to the final three and all you can talk about is the view from your window and how nice Jamaica is? Talk about things! It's not that hard!
I think Ben and Caila have nothing in common except for the fact that they're both very attractive people and they both sell software. I assume there's not that much to talk about there. Like, cool, we sell software… and… cool, I guess. No one wants to talk about work on their extended 15 minutes of fame vacay but I don't think it would be too much to chat about your personal lives? But suddenly, it all becomes clear later that evening on their date — she's anxious because she wants to tell him she loves him but doesn't know how. I kind of start to feel bad for her at this point because I've been there and it sucks — everything is stilted because that's all you can focus on.
She tells him she has something to say to him and I swear you can see it in his eyes that he's thinking “don't say it… don't say it…” but then she says it. Alright, cool, glad you got that off your back. He kisses her in response and I cringed. Like, that is so clearly the classic “I don't want to say it back so to get out of it I'm going to kiss her and hope she forgets about it” move. And it works, kind of. She just takes it the other way and says that even though he didn't physically say the words back, she can “see it in his eyes.” Girl, I see something in his eyes, but it isn't that. Either way, he asks her to the fantasy suite where I'm sure they did a lot more kissing (and some other stuff) to avoid any more mention of the L word.
Lauren's date is much cooler and something I'd personally love to do, she and Ben help release newly hatched baby sea turtles into the wild. Lauren freaks out and I definitely would, too — the baby sea turtles are the cutest things in the world, cuter than any human could possibly be, so that's definitely an A+ way to spend the day. Lauren starts debating that she needs to tell Ben she loves him … and I'm over here screaming at the TV like, yeah, you really do otherwise Caila is going to nab your spot in the top two because she was more open about her feelings. Of course, she drops the bomb and he tells her he loves her back! He broke the cardinal Bachelor rule! I literally squealed when I saw this unfold on TV because I am the #1 champion of Blauren's relationship. I hate that that's their portmanteau, but I don't think there's anything else we can do with it. Len? Bauren? Bren? I'll work on it. I really need her to stop referring to Ben as her person, though, because that's reserved for Meredith Grey and Cristina Yang ONLY.
For the third and final date, Ben and JoJo hop on a helicopter ride (natch, because this season was evidently sponsored by all helicopter brands in the world) to Negril where they spend the entire day playing in a waterfall. My roommate literally just spent the week in Negril and I'm infuriated that she missed Ben by a few months. She could have slipped him my number, you know? We go through the exact same spiel that the last two girls gave Ben — being afraid to open up and say that they love him — but JoJo is just so in tune with her feelings that she says it and when he says it back, her face is probably the best thing I've ever seen in my life. And he BROKE THE RULE AGAIN. She actually can't believe he loves her back and even asks “Are you allowed to say that?” (No, no you're not.) Either this girl deserves an Emmy or she really wasn't expecting it! I loved it. I may love Lauren, but now I love JoJo, too, so I'm a little torn on my allegiances here. I'll work on it before the finale. While Ben is freaking out about her brothers disliking him, she seems to assuage his fears a bit, and they head off to the fantasy suite.
After JoJo's date ends, Ben spends the day contemplating everything that's happened over the last week and makes the executive decision to send Caila home. He's in love with the other girls but just can't say it with Caila. Now, I saw this coming from a mile away, but the really upsetting thing about this part of the episode is that Caila so clearly thinks she has the entire competition in the bag. It's pretty easy to tell when someone is about to be eliminated because there is a whole lot of talking head action about their strong feelings towards the current Bachelor(ette) in each season. There's a formula! Caila decides to surprise Ben during his quiet meditation time and that's when you know it's all about to go down.
And let me tell you, it is Bru. Tal.
They sit down and start to talk and as Ben takes his time and chooses his words carefully, you see the reality of the situation start to dawn on Caila. Have you ever seen the episode of The Simpsons where Lisa breaks Ralph Wiggum's heart on live television and you can see the exact second he realizes it? That's what happened with Caila on tonight's episode. Not only does Ben tell her that he's not in love with her, he tells her that he's in love with JoJo and Lauren. Rough. Really, really rough. She leaves crying and gets in the car but leaps out at the last second to ask why he brought her to Jamaica if he knew he wasn't in love with her. It's television, Caila! We can't kick everyone off! But he has to explain himself, which he does very beautifully. As my best friend put it: “I actually want to be broken up with by him.” Truer words have never been spoken. I'd like to hire Ben to do all my breakups for me — both on my end and from the other guy's end — from here on out.
We arrive at the rose ceremony and the girls question where Caila is, and once Ben shows up alone, they realize that Caila got sent home early. The penultimate (if you don't count Women Tell All, which I 100 percent don't) episode ends with Ben toasting to the final two, JoJo and Lauren, while they realize that this is the true end of the line. Ben's hometown dates are going to make or break their chance at becoming Mrs. Higgins. I am so excited. See you in two weeks for the final recap of the season. I, for one, can't wait to see who Ben chooses and how those two ILYs come back to bite him in the ass.
Thoughts & Feelings
- Did anyone else cringe when Caila called Ben a sly fox? Ugh.
- What is with these girls and building up a huge lead-in to telling Ben that they love him? Like, dude, just tell him!
- I flipped out when I realized Ben took Lauren to Sandals. As fans of The Office know, Sandals Jamaica is Michael Scott's romantic getaway of choice. Although he didn't end up with Jan in the end, let's hope that's not the case for Lauren and Ben. I just really love Lauren.
Texts From My Editor
The only one that matters tonight sums up our feelings on Caila better than words ever could:
Ugh, this is so boring.
Photo credit: ABC.com
Past Weeks:
Episode 8: Big Brothers Are Watching
Episode 7: Welcome to Indiana
Episode 6: Bahamania
Episode 5: Viva Mexico
Episode 4: Stop Referring to Ben as Your Husband
Episode 3: I Hate My Legs
Episode 2: I’m Not a Crazy Girl at All
Episode 1: Are You a Chicken Enthusiast?
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.
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