Welcome to February, also known as the month of ~ true love ~… and the month where, I assume, most breakups spike right before Valentine's Day. Natch, this season of The Bachelor is starting to ramp up the crazy (what, you thought we hit our ceiling before?). Tonight, the gang goes to Mexico and things truly get escándalo. If you were too busy being politically-minded, I salute you, because I spent my entire night laser-focused on Ben… although, let's be real, the Iowa caucuses are probably going to end up just as dramatic as the adventures of Ben Higgins. Let's recap!
As previously mentioned, Ben is taking the girls to Mexico. Previews include: Lauren and Ben being MFEO (Made For Each Other… Sleepless in Seattle…? No? It's almost Valentine's Day! Leave me alone!), Ben waking every single girl up in the middle of the night for an as-yet-unknown reason, a fashion show, jealous Jubilee and a reference to Teen Mom. I swear to you all, if Olivia stays on this week, I don't know what I'll do. Throwing myself off my apartment building's roof seems a bit dramatic… but…
These girls are absolutely thrilled to be going to Mexico City because it's “a good place to “fall in love.” I have quite literally never heard anyone say that. Then I realized the girls were staying at the Four Seasons and I was like oh, ok. Amanda gets the coveted first one-on-one date and Olivia is quite obviously pissed off about it. I have to say that as manipulative as she is, she can never hide her anger for the cameras! She expresses her disgust for Amanda having kids, as well as saying that Amanda isn't the right person for Ben. Plot twist: the only person who can decide who the right person is for Ben… is Ben.
Four-thirty in the morning arrives and Ben comes strolling into the room like “haaaay!! These poor girls — he's shining flashlights on them and waking them up … you can't do that. That's what serial killers do. Poor Lauren H. has a retainer (do they not believe in permanent behind-the-teeth retainers wherever she's from?) and the other girls are in various states of disarray until we get to Amanda. Who looks flawless. Just like Britt did that one time Chris woke her up in the middle of the night. #ItsAConspiracy
You may be wondering where they were going on this date at almost 5 a.m. If you've been paying even the most minimal attention to this show, you know Ben's got a thing for dates in the sky so of course he takes her out on a hot air balloon. Honestly, this view is way cooler than the Los Angeles skyline, so I have to give him credit for it. Side note: Amanda's voice still really bothers me. Post-date, we see Amanda and Ben on a very Nicholas Sparks-esque picnic in the middle of a secluded field. Is Sparksesque a phrase yet? Can we make that a thing?
Back at the house, we find out that Jennifer is somehow still on this show and Jubilee is not dealing well with the whole ~ other girls are dating my boyfriend ~ baggage that inevitably comes with being a contestant on The Bachelor.
The second date, entitled: “como se dice – this way to a man’s heart”, has Jubilee, Becca, Jojo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B, Jennifer, Leah and Olivia all hating Lauren H. for getting the second one-on-one date. Is it bad that we're a month into this show and I still can't remember Lauren H.'s initial without Googling it? Back on the one-on-one, Amanda gets a rose after opening up to Ben about her divorce and two daughters.
We get to the group date and it's school-themed again. I really need to know where the creative energy behind the scenes is. Why is everything taking place in school? Why didn't Pitbull teach this class? I have so many questions. Jubilee acts like a brat the entire time and pulls away from Ben, getting mad that he repeats the same phrase in Spanish to every girl in the “class.” I have to italicize that because she's the only one who got mad. I don't know why we even hold these dates because Lauren B. wins everything forever and we should just shut this competition down now.
It ends up being a cooking competition and Jubilee and Olivia end up having a Mexican standoff (never has that phrase applied more to what I was writing than right now) over who was going to have Ben as their partner. Of course, Olivia won. Are you at all surprised? She straight up says, “I claimed you.” I wondered why no one ever stood up to her, but now I know why. The girl is a true alpha. I would kill her if I had to compete against her, but I'll be damned if she doesn't make great TV.
I just want to take this second to express my discontent with how bratty the girls behave when Olivia swoops in. I don't know how many times I say this per season, but it's a competition. Instead of pouting when someone else steals Ben, be proactive and steal him first! Why is this so hard to comprehend?
Back to the show.
The girls get to cooking, with some of them being great (Jubilee/Lauren B.) and some of them being terrible (Olivia…). I feel like I'm watching a Food Network competition. The guest judges — the chefs who own the restaurant the show rented out for this particular challenge — pick Jubilee and Lauren B.'s dish as their favorite. As the owners of the restaurant have said that they don't believe someone is ready to get married until they know how to cook, Jubilee triumphantly repeats this to the camera. Let me tell you something. I know how to cook. I also forget my coffee on my kitchen table three times a week, just did laundry for the first time in two weeks, and am a full bottle of pinot noir deep while writing this (and can't stop laughing because every time I say pinot noir I think of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt) — I am so not ready to get married. Remember that.
So, during the cocktail hour post-group date, Jubilee sits there with a pouty look on her face and at one point actually asks another girl to go interrupt Ben. Also, Ben and Lauren B. pull a serious Chris and Britt move and leave the date to go somewhere else! Although, granted, Chris took Britt on a mini date to a concert and Ben and Lauren B. just went to go make out on the street. Still bad.
My take on Jubilee is that she doesn't realize that she has to chase Ben, that he isn't going to chase her. Because he can't. Because he's literally being followed around by 10-12 girls at any given time this week. The first time you complain, it's fine, but the second, third, fourth time? You need to get a grip. She paints Ben into a corner, asking him if he sees a future, and he very maturely and nicely says that he doesn't. So … goodbye, Jubilee. Sorry you didn't make it to the rose ceremony, but it was very nice of Ben to not put you through that.
Olivia gets the group date rose. I have nothing else to say about that.
Lauren H.'s date involves Fashion Week! I'm glad she's getting more air time, she deserves it. Of course she's thrilled to attend Mexico City Fashion Week… as most Z-list celebrities would be. I'm just kidding! Kind of. Meanwhile, Olivia says she isn't threatened by anyone who goes on a one-on-one with Ben, while she was certainly singing a different tune earlier in the day. I also think the girls in the house are plotting an overthrow of Queen Olivia. It's going to be really good. Of course Lauren H. gets a rose after she walks Fashion Week with Ben. How could you not, that's the coolest date ever!
Olivia refers to Amanda as “an episode of Teen Mom” right to her face and Emily complains to Ben about Olivia's misleading ways. I mean, it's kind of about time. It did not take the girls in Chris's season nearly this long to complain about Kelsey but I'm glad someone finally said something. We get a very dramatic juxtaposition of Emily calling her sister (who, by the way, she basically forced Ben to dump in her favor) next to Olivia and Ben flirting with each other. The next thing we know, it's right before the rose ceremony and Ben pulls Olivia out … and we fade to black.
TO BE CONTINUED…
Thoughts & Feelings
- Olivia and Emily have the worst Spanish accents. Ever.
- I have never felt so much secondhand embarrassment than I did for Jubilee tonight.
- Short story: when I was in college, my sorority pledge mom had us write nice things about everyone in our pledge class. My friend Marlee wrote this about my friend Katie: “Dear Katie, you look pretty without your glasses.” This is immediately what I thought of when I saw Lauren H. at 4:30 a.m. Lauren H., you look so pretty without your retainer.
- Can we talk about Olivia's reaction to their hotel room? “It keeps getting better …. there’s a BIDET!”
Photo credit: ABC.com
Episode 4: Stop Referring to Ben as Your Husband
Episode 3: I Hate My Legs
Episode 2: I’m Not a Crazy Girl at All
Episode 1: Are You a Chicken Enthusiast?
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.