'The Bachelorette' Season 12, Episode 6 Recap: I Totally Cried For Him, Argentina

Today was our first episode without The Chad and I miss him so much already, there's a gaping hole in my heart. I honestly feel like this entire band of bros is like my family at this point. Except they're all incredibly attractive. Know what I mean? I am wholly invested. We're on week five, so, like, that's a good thing. With Ben I was invested by week three. They're such a group of narcs, but I love it. I love them. I'm already going to miss them once this season ends in a few weeks. Tragique. Anyway, the producers sent them to Argentina, which I was pretty surprised about. I know summer's not nearly as much of a cash cow as the winter, but whatever, it's still vaguely sexist that the Bachelor gets to go to amazing places and the Bachelorette gets to go to Pennsylvania, right? I need to stop bringing this up but I will not rest until ABC sends The Bachelorette to the Eastern Hemisphere. OK. I'm done. We have a lot to discuss tonight.

I know I say this every single time I write this recap, but holy mother of all that exists, I'm in love with Luke. He is hands down the hottest contestant I've ever seen. This honestly has nothing to do with the set up, but they showed him in previews and I'm just totally in love. Chris Harrison shows up all, “hola amigos!” and I want to break his neck, but JoJo's in Buenos Aires with the guys and she's ready to make some cuts to the team. She's afraid of falling in love with two people, just like Ben … and now I'm starting to wonder if she gets paid extra each time she says his name. Like, mention Ben and we'll give you an extra 10K. She's probably making no money as the Bachelorette anyway (not nearly as much as the Bachelor does). Alright, seriously, I'm going to stop talking about this now.

There's a two-on-one date this week which means someone is definitely going home. My prediction: James Taylor vs. Jordan … in my wildest dreams. The first date card goes to Wells: “besame, muchacho.” This is because Wells is the only one who hasn't kissed JoJo yet. I'm unsurprised because she's nowhere near Chris Soules kissing bandit levels, but still. It's the sixth episode. There are only eight guys left! She takes him to Fuerza Bruta, which I am insanely jealous of, because I've been dying to go but ultimately too lazy to get tickets for it when it's in NYC. Solution: get on this show. Right? Wells is literally the most nervous human being on this show but at least he finally kisses her in a weird water ceiling (I honestly can't explain it, just Google image search Fuerza Bruta water ceiling and you'll know what I mean). They sit down to dinner, chat for a little bit, and realize they are so incompatible — it's honestly astounding how well this was edited so JoJo, Wells, and the audience realize altogether that this just isn't going to work. Naturally, he goes home. Bye, Wells. I'm going to miss staring at your beautifully symmetrical face.

We hit the group date afterwards: Luke, Robby, Jordan, James and Alex will be living la vida Boca with JoJo. This means that Chase and Derek are on the two-on-one date, and like I've said in the past, this proves that I'll never be a television psychic because I really never get any of my guesses right when it comes to this show.

The group date consists of a lot of bouncing around the district of Boca, and they somehow end up playing street soccer, because of course they do, because Jordan is on this date and they have to get him to somehow show off every time. It doesn't matter because the locals totally kick their asses and the guys end up in a contest to see who can score a goal in order to kiss JoJo. Admittedly, I zoned out during this part because I hate when the producers make us sit through filler like this, but I'm pretty sure James Taylor somehow ended up making the goal. I do recall that Robby tried to pay off the goalie who took his money and then promptly blocked his shot anyway. I wholeheartedly respect the hustle.

I love that the guys continue to be so extra the entire time they're dealing with each other when it comes to JoJo. James Taylor narcs on Jordan for being rude to him during a card game because apparently we're still in grade school. I don't know how homegirl doesn't feel like she's their babysitter 95 percent of the time, but I'd be so over this if I were her. She confronts Jordan, he doesn't know what she means by the word entitled, but they totally get past it and he opens up about his feelings for her because he's ~~going to do whatever it takes to win this competition so he can get famous~~ really falling for her. Jordan confronts James Taylor about it, violently swirls his wine like he's going to throw it in his face … and then doesn't actually do it. Guys, you can't be drama queens if you're not going to actually follow through. Does anyone watch Real Housewives? Aviva Drescher threw her prosthetic leg at someone and we can't even get any wine to the face on this show? Disappointment level: 100. Luke gets the group date rose because he's perfect. Any questions? Moving on.

Derek and Chase date card arrives: it takes two… To tango, I assume. Finally, I'm right! They go to a two-on-one tango lesson and if you've ever seen Moulin Rouge, that's exactly the vibe I got from this scene. It was very sexually charged yet borderline creepy, and I loved it. It's basically like they're fighting over her even though neither one of them knows how to dance and didn't particularly care to learn the intricacies of the tango. Derek kind of sucks, and you know when someone can't shut up about how great their connection is with the Bachelor(ette) that you just want them gone? That's how I feel about Derek. Even though he looks like a hot California player version of Jim Halpert. I hate him. Chase is also super monotonous and boring, so I don't really care for either of them and if I were JoJo I would have sent them both home. Regardless, Chase finally opens up about his feelings and Derek gets the boot.

Here's what I can't comprehend about myself at the moment: as Derek was crying in the car home, I was compelled to cry with him. Maybe it was the Argentinian folk version of Don't Cry For Me Argentina playing as he realized his destiny to live a JoJo-less life in the backseat, maybe it was the fact that I had just finished my second glass of California red as I watched, but I'll be damned if I didn't sob right along with him… and I hated him. Imagine how I'll react if/when Luke goes home. I'll totally lose it.

At last, we make it to the rose ceremony. It's basically anyone's game at this point. Alex freaks out about not getting any kind of one-on-one time with JoJo (that's your own fault, buddy, be assertive) and Jordan and Robby both start to cement themselves as the total frontrunners for the final two. With all the talking heads I've seen regarding James Taylor's crisis of self-confidence, I would have bet money on JoJo sending him home especially after he basically tattled on Jordan for following a slightly different set of poker rules. JoJo gives Robby and Jordan a rose, and when she gets to the final one, she has a mini panic attack and gives the rose back to Chris Harrison. So I'm watching this thinking it's a total upset, ready to hop on Twitter and go Kanye-West-caps-lock insane, when I realize that they tricked me once again… and Chris Harrison brings in two roses. So… no one else is going home tonight. Way to leave us on the most boring note ever before a holiday weekend… but I'll be back here on July 11th with a glass of rosé and total contempt for the producers who are making me sit through the rest of the season without Chad “Not Ochocinco” Johnson.

Photo credit: ABC.com