The Bachelorette Season 12, Episode 5 Recap: No One Can Pronounce Uruguay

the-bachelorette-tabloidOK, so, full disclosure: I almost don’t want to watch this show anymore specifically because Chad got kicked off last week. I mean, I know the previews said that he’d be back, but I knew it was a total tease (which it was). I know how this show operates by now. It’s borderline exhausting. Anyway, this was actually a pretty good episode, and I’m sorry that I didn’t have enough faith in it at the beginning of the season. These guys are super, super, super catty and I’m loving every minute of it. Also, I know everyone loves Chad because he’s the worst but does anyone else think he’s crazy attractive? I’m going to move to Tulsa when my lease is up to try to find him.

The guys in the house, after popping bottles in celebration of Chad’s dismissal, decide to pour out his protein powder in a symbolic spreading of the ashes. I love this season’s guys, they are so damn dramatic. Especially Wells, who said “farewell, sweet prince” as he blew the protein powder into the wind. I want to marry Wells, too; I’m in love with everyone on this season. Sue me! They’re great. Chad rolls back into the house like nothing happened and tells them that he got kicked off for reasons he can’t comprehend. Sure. Jordan gives him one last chance to redeem himself and he responds with, “I’m gonna say what I want to say when I wanna say it.” Gotta give the guy props for never backing down from his true self. Evan brings up his shirt being ripped again, which is like, dude, come on, it’s over. He’s really starting to get on my nerves even more than he used to at this point. BTW, when Alex gets back to the house, the guys literally lift him into the air as they chant “dragon slayer.” You can’t make this stuff up. They have the best producers ever on this season.

Cocktail hour is insanely boring and James F. wrote JoJo a terrible poem that almost hurt to watch. I thought he got eliminated two weeks ago so imagine my surprise when he showed up. Damn Daniel continues to be Damn Awkward, and Luke and Wells are perfect as usual. Evan… cannot shut up about Chad. Jordan — oh god, I love Jordan — decides to totally mack it with JoJo against a shared wall with a common area so all the other guys can hear him and JoJo going at it. I love it. He doesn’t even care, he does it on purpose. He is the BEST.

We are very lucky in that we get two rose ceremonies tonight! In this one, Daniel and James F. get sent home. Daniel does not handle it well, saying that if the competition was based solely on looks and not personality that he’d still be in the running. When you admit on national TV that your personality is terrible, you know you have some work to do, you know?

JoJo tell sthe guys that she’s taking them on an international trip! How exciting! It’s The Bachelorette, so I guessed that their international trip would take them to the far off lands of Canada, but I was wrong. They head to Uruguay, which is actually pretty cool, even though not a single contestant on this show can pronounce it correctly. Jordan gets the first date card that says “Let’s seal the date.” So, duh, any guesses on what they’re doing? They go swimming with seals. It’s boring, they’re boring, I can’t believe he got another one-on-one date because it’s so freaking obvious that he’s the front runner. They could at least make it somewhat interesting for us now that Chad is gone.

A way more fun and exciting thing that happens while Jordan and JoJo are off being disgustingly in love with each other is this: the guys “find” a tabloid with an exclusive interview with JoJo’s ex (also coincidentally named Chad, because, of course he is) saying that she’s on the show for all the wrong reasons. Mad props to the PA who introduced that magazine onto the show — I really hope you got promoted! Also, Vinny is doing Alex’s hair in this segment, which explains why he’s still hanging around. He’s the house barber. JoJo finds out about the tabloid, freaks out, cries — really, really sells it — and all the guys jump at the chance to console her. Of course they do! They even apologize to her! For what, I will never know.

Ironically, while the guys are freaking out over JoJo’s ex-boyfriend telling all to the gossip rags, JoJo is telling Jordan that she met one of his exes in Dallas and you can totally see the wheels in his head spinning as he figures out how to get out of this one. Tons of gossip sites, BTW, if you’re not into that (I totally am) are posting exposés on Jordan’s past relationships and how he was basically a terrible boyfriend, so seeing the look on his face while JoJo is asking him about the ex-girlfriend is truly hilarious. The worst part about it, though, is he sells her a lie, she totally buys it, and we’re back to square one. However, I’m really sick of her referencing her total heartbreak over Ben every five minutes, so maybe if she lets go and gets together with Jordan we won’t have to hear about it anymore. One can only hope.

The group date card arrives: Luke, Derek, Chase, Evan, James, Vinny, Grant, Wells and Alex. JoJo “can’t stand to be away from them” and somehow this date card clue translates to “we’re going sand-surfing!” So that happens. Alex even does a little back flip off the board, which is really cool and athletic and JoJo totally eats it up. While the guys are headed off to their group date, Jordan and Robby have a cute little spa date complete with pedicures, face masks and cucumbers which Jordan eats instead of leaving over his eyes like he’s supposed to. While on the cocktail part of the date, Luke and JoJo really end up connecting even more and he tells her that he didn’t believe the tabloid thing for a second, which the cameras actually picked up on!!! I can’t believe Derek is still on this show and honestly gets a rose for “needing reassurance” — and then has the audacity to ask the other guys to stop bullying him. Literally, like, corners Jordan and Alex and tells them to stop being cliquey.

I want to take five seconds to note how much I legitimately appreciate Robby for everything that he is. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m in love with every single person on this show except Chris Harrison. JoJo’s taking him on an authentic Uruguayan date, which involves cliff jumping and some other things that are totally irrelevant because they don’t involve Chad. However, we do need to fast-forward to the end of the date where Robby tells JoJo that not only did his best friend drive himself off a bridge, but that this compelled him to tell her that he loves her. She says thank you! THANK YOU! It’s like that episode of That 70s Show where Donna tells Eric she loves him and he tells her he loves cake.

Note: JoJo says she could see herself falling in love with him, but you know if Jordan said I love you during episode five, homegirl would have come straight out the gate with “I LOVE YOU, TOO, LET’S GET MARRIED” a la Ben Higgins, so I don’t believe that shit for a second.

JoJo ends up canceling the cocktail party yet again because her final eight are so obviously set and Evan, Vinny and Grant are sent home. Like, good riddance y’all, I was really starting to wish the guys of the house would mutiny and kick Evan out for being the most annoying human being on the face of the planet, but at least JoJo realized it at this point. And Wells is still around … at least until he inevitably gets kicked off and I can go find him in Nashville.

Questions, Comments, Concerns

  • Vinny is a DJ and spins under the name DJ Vinsane. Also, he looks like Riff Raff without the ridiculous hair. Nothing about him makes sense.
  • JoJo has to be incredibly short IRL to be shorter than Alex, right?????
  • Jordan is without a doubt the most political contestant on this show and also has the best hair out of anyone I’ve seen thus far.
  • Daniel’s lightning analogy, while I didn’t pick up on the whole thing, was one of the greatest things I’ve ever heard on TV let alone on this show: “It’s like being struck by lightning… while… shaving my face.” I think this had something to do with being kicked off the show for having a bad personality, but I could be wrong because I was refilling my wine glass while he was talking.

Photo credit: ABC.com

Past Weeks:
Episode 4: Perception Is Reality, Chad
Episode 3: Make America Chad Again
Episode 2: Marines Should Behave Better Than This
Episode 1: Canadians Don’t Visit Texas

meghan-kennedy-bio-picMeghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.