Before we jump into the mess that is the Bachelorette Mansion, I’d like to apologize for the delay on this recap. I spent the holiday weekend moving into a new apartment and have been passing out cold every day since. But here we are, a day late and a few dollars short, and I’m ready to tackle what could possibly be the weirdest group of men in Bachelorette history. (Did I sound like Chris Harrison there? I hope so.)
This week the guys are headed to a bunch of ~ exotic ~ places, such as: San Francisco and ESPN’s Los Angeles office. Anyone else notice how low budget the Bachelorette trips really are? I know that it’s summer TV, but come on. Here’s what I’m interested in: JoJo mentions that being on the show is a dream come true. Wasn’t her dream to marry Ben? She seemed legitimately invested in him. Anyway, Chris Harrison shows up, does his usual spiel, and the guys get the first group date card of the season. Who’s heating things up with JoJo this week? Luke, Grant, Will, Evan, Daniel (damn), Vinny, Ali, James F., Wells and Robby. The guys walk out of the manse, psyched for their date, when they’re confronted with a limo quite literally on fire just outside their front gate. We hear sirens wailing… and oh, great, it’s a fire fighting date. Romantic.
BTW – Grant is a firefighter. Isn’t that a conflict of interest? Also, Chad uses his luggage tied to a weight belt in order to do pull ups outside the house. This dude is so weird. I hate that I tweeted about Daniel being the villain because it’s very clearly Chad. I spoke too soon. Every guy named Chad is generally a villain, even in real life.
Choice quote from the fire date: “it’s hot out, being here with JoJo doesn’t help.” These guys have no game whatsoever. Is that why they decided to come on The Bachelorette? Wells gets really sick from what I assume is the heat and the eighty pounds of gear and has to be rescued by JoJo – covering up for his weak constitution by saying it was all a ploy to get him to talk to her. Did I mention that I might have a giant crush on Wells? This episode does go to show that you can’t really mix careers. Maybe DJs shouldn’t be firefighters. Anyway, if anyone cares (which I didn’t), Grant won the challenge to rescue JoJo from a burning building and Luke spent the rest of the date moping about it. Obviously the firefighter was going to win the firefighting challenge! Make it a little more difficult next time, producers!
Back at the house, James Taylor is leading a campfire singalong (I honestly wish I were making this up) about JoJo. The group is literally just singing her name over and over again while Chad gives them the side eye from a distance. It’s almost like watching a cult meeting (but then again, isn’t Bachelor Nation a cult anyway?). One of the things I love most about this show is how every single person is played out like a caricature of themselves. I have also noticed that JoJo is a bit of a kissing bandit but nowhere near as bad as Chris Soules was so I can’t really comment on anything from the post-date cocktail hour except that Grant is already talking about moving in with her and Wells gets the group date rose (a consolation prize for almost passing out on national television… well played).
The one-on-one date goes to Derek – which I was kind of surprised about. He seemed more like a background actor than a front runner, but he’s cute and an investment banker so I’ll take it. His date – a choose-your-own-adventure with JoJo. See what I mean about low budget? They have to plan their own date! They end up flying to San Francisco, snuggle on a picnic blanket, and drink champagne and talk about the future. Typical Bachelor/Bachelorette date, but I’m here for it. What can I say? I’m a sucker for tradition. At least she didn’t take him to a Jacuzzi in the middle of a corn field. He naturally gets the date rose after opening up to JoJo about his girlfriend leaving him for another man. Cue the violins.
Back at the house, James Taylor is still leading his JoJo cult in song, while Chad and Daniel form a tentative evil alliance. They’re even wearing matching black tank tops! They’re both #SoOverThis… until the second date card arrives. Jordan, Christian, Nick, James Taylor, Alex and Chad have to prove their love to JoJo and the nation. What, like, America? Actually, it’s Sports Nation on ESPN. As they walk into the studio, Alex is almost literally bouncing out of his shoes because he’s so excited to win JoJo over/be in the Sports Nation studio. For today, though, it’s not Sports Nation – it’s Bachelor Nation.
How many times are we going to be reminded that Jordan’s brother is Aaron Rodgers? We get it. As one of the guys ever so politely put it, “the best thing about Jordan is that his brother is Aaron Rodgers. The worst thing about Jordan is that he’s not Aaron Rodgers.” The guys get stuck playing games to win JoJo over – doing their best touchdown dance (called Strike a Rose, in case you were wondering) and playing dizzy bat before proposing to JoJo with a giant fake ring. It was tacky, it was weird, I loved every second of it. You know who didn’t like it, though? Chad! Surprise! He calls her naggy and tells her it’s weird that he has to tell her all the reasons why he loves her before fake proposing to her on the second date. I honestly don’t blame him – and this is the first time I have sided with a villain in all of Bachelor history, I think.
The best thing about Chad, though, is his cocktail hour cold cut consumption. (I tried really hard to get that alliteration to work.) Dude’s an animal, making his way through all of craft services in mere minutes. The more I think about it, the more I realize we never see people eat on camera. Is that why everyone gets so drunk? Because they have nothing in their stomachs? Maybe Chad is the most rational one out of everyone because he actually eats while he’s in the house. Alex and Chad are quickly becoming the biggest rivalry in the Bachelorette Mansion, and they constantly pick fights with each other… and they were/are both Marines! Don’t you love when you train your body for combat and you end up getting in another dude’s face on a reality show to find love? I do! Chad behaves the worst out of anyone on this show and still gets a kiss from JoJo by the end of the date. Just goes to show that even when you’re the star of the show, you don’t see what goes on behind closed doors. I don’t care either way because I want Chad to stay on this show forever! Anyway, James Taylor impresses JoJo the most, so he gets a rose tonight… and Chad was not pleased about it. We’re promised a double dose of Chad next week (two nights of The Bachelorette, hold on to your hats, y’all), so I’m sure he’s sticking around for a while.
Who’s staying with us next week: Wells, Derek, James T., Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F., Nick, Vinnie, Evan and Chad.
Goodbye, James S., Bachelor Superfan. We hardly knew you. Here’s hoping you get on Bachelor in Paradise one day!
Photo credit: ABC.com
Past Weeks:
Episode 1: Canadians Don't Visit Texas
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.
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