The Bachelorette Season 12, Episode 9: The Final Three

It was storming in New York today — like, next level, Apocalypse-Now-type flash flooding — so obviously we should have all taken that as a sign that real drama was about to go down on tonight’s episode of The Bachelorette. A quick rundown from last week: the guys brought JoJo home to meet their parents, Jordan and Robby are the only ones who have told JoJo that they love her, and we ended on a cliffhanger (inside an airport hangar! I love comedy) after Luke finally professed his love for JoJo. It’s the penultimate episode for the show if you don’t count Men Tell All, which I don’t, so obviously we need some real drama on tonight’s episode to carry us to the proposals.

Tonight’s episode is all about the fantasy suite, but we first have to suffer through yet another rose ceremony. After Luke’s complete opening up to JoJo, she would be the dumbest person in all of America to send him home, right? Right. Because that’s exactly what she did. I saw my Twitter feed spiral into complete craziness once that happened. Luke was the most charming, decent man on this show and she went ahead and picked generic off-brand Jordan to stay (Chase) instead of him. For shame. He gives her a serious talking-to — that it wasn’t supposed to happen, that he thought the magic was real, and that he’s totally heartbroken about being sent home after bringing her home to meet his family. He walks away and handles the rejection better than anyone I’ve ever seen on this show and leaves her in hysterics. Side note: I’ve never seen a Bachelorette cry more than JoJo.

For their final trip, JoJo and her triplets are headed to Thailand where they’ll each go on one day-long date with the promise of the fantasy suite hanging in the balance. First up is Robby, who spins the entire conversation to how much of a gentleman he is and how much he cares about her. I don’t know if JoJo gives off an insecure vibe or what, but she eats it up. They talk about Ben (of course, give JoJo a chance to talk about Ben Higgins and she’s off to the races) and Robby’s ex and the way he handled finding out that rumors were being spread about him online. After reassuring her for the 15th time that he’s there for the right reasons, he kisses her with his eyes open, which personally would have been a deal breaker for me but hey, I’m not on this show. At dinner, Robby hands JoJo a “note” that is from his “dad” saying that he has a good heart, that he can tell he loves JoJo, a very solid effort on the producers’ part to make us care about Robby. They get the fantasy suite card, he accepts (duh), and JoJo leaves the next morning still totally into Robby. Boring.

Next up we’ve got Jordan, and they’re going on a hike up to a sacred temple in Thailand where they absolutely cannot kiss each other at all. She admits that Jordan got this date because they need the emotional connection. Like, duh, yes they do, all they ever do is make out all over the place. Here’s why I think Jordan’s going to win this whole thing: they start talking about what he needs to do to impress her parents. He whips out a whole speech about “being able to look my future wife’s dad in the eye and have him know that I’m going to protect his daughter and that I’m so in love with her.” JoJo tells him that she wants it too — meaning, yes, you can meet my dad and as long as he approves then we’re totally getting married. She also grills him about what his future looks like, how does he know that he loves her … things he gives predictable and boring answers to but answers she accepts nonetheless. Jordan has been getting a free pass the entire season and I’m convinced it’s because of his hair. The flow is magical. JoJo ends her fantasy suite date with Jordan the morning after and realizes that she’s in love with two men at once and now she finally understands how Ben feels. Cue collective sigh from the millions of people that watch this show each week.

We finally make it to Chase’s date, the Caila of this season, if you will. He says he’s falling in love with JoJo, Luke already said he was in love, and yet we’re still stuck with Chase? What world do we live in? They go to the beach on their date (which admittedly looked like a lot of fun) and in between the day date and the dinner date, Robby shows up to say hi to JoJo and to tell her he can’t stop thinking about her. So well-played on his end, but he’s a competitive person and you can tell all he’s thinking about is that final rose and Neil Lane diamond. Back on Chase’s date, he seems real yet very, very boring, and I can’t wrap my mind around why JoJo brought him all the way to the final three. He gets the fantasy suite card, reads it with a very odd inflection (almost like a newscaster), and accepts, because who says no?

This is where things get dicey. They’re sitting in the fantasy suite, having a glass of wine, and Chase admits that he’s fallen in love with JoJo. Not only that, but that this is the hardest thing he’s ever had to do, and that he’s never been the first one to say “I love you” before. And what does she do? She steps outside and has yet another mental breakdown. She wants these guys to tell her that they love her, and once they do, she realizes that’s not actually what she wanted after all. This is the second time she’s done this. She heads back to the fantasy suite to tell Chase that she doesn’t feel the same way and that she wants to be fair and not blindside him … and Chase just lets. Her. Have. It. It’s remarkable — I haven’t seen so much emotion and anger from him all season so I’m glad we got to witness it tonight. He tells her he’s skewered, shattered and heartbroken — that this was what he was afraid of and that she is basically a nightmare factory (my words, not his). He walks away from JoJo as well, quipping when his van comes to take him home, “oh, is this my fantasy suite?” Sending someone home once they’ve already accepted the fantasy suite date should be illegal.

Robby and Jordan show up to the rose ceremony not knowing what to expect, and JoJo tells them that Chase got sent home — except, wait, one more final twist! Chase shows up to the rose ceremony. Before you get as excited as I did, know that he only shows up to get closure because he didn’t want the relationship to end the way it did during the fantasy suite date. He leaves, the final two get the final two roses, and we’re officially down to Jordan and Robby for the last episode of this season. They could not be more boring, and I, for one, cannot wait until this season is over. To be fair, I am looking forward to hopefully seeing Robby get rejected in front of all of America in the hopes that we’ll see his true colors revealed. Maybe he’ll pull a Rose-from-Titanic and throw the diamond into the ocean! Only time will tell.

Photo credit: ABC.com

Past Weeks:
Episode 8: We Only Care About Aaron Rodgers
Episode 7: The One with All the Horses
Episode 6: I Totally Cried for Him Argentina
Episode 5: No One Can Pronounce Uruguay
Episode 4: Perception Is Reality, Chad
Episode 3: Make America Chad Again
Episode 2: Marines Should Behave Better Than This
Episode 1: Canadians Don’t Visit Texas