‘The Bachelorette’ Season 12, Episode 3: Make America Chad Again
We're in week three of The Bachelorette and I am incredibly happy to report that my original assumption that this season was going to be lackluster has been totally wrong. I hate not being right, but in this case I'll allow it because tonight's episode was absolutely bananas and I can't wait to see how the rest of it unfolds tomorrow — because we're in summer mode, we get a double dose of crazy this week! Lucky us. Chad takes front and center of this episode (as he should) although his cold cut plates are sadly out of the picture. We've quickly established that Chad is the villain, but what we didn't realize until today is that Chad is actually a Regina George — playing the victim and only cares about calorie counting.
Tonight's episode consists of two one-on-one dates and a group date. Chase gets the first date card: “let's get physical.” I normally love the faux hippie dates, but this one was totally uncomfortable. Chase and JoJo get involved in some weird hot yoga class, but they end up screaming and writhing around on the floor before any actual yoga is done. Super strange, but this is Bachelor world, so why would I expect anything less? JoJo ends up on top of this guy in a very sexual position — it's basically softcore porn on ABC tonight, y'all! — just staring into Chase's eyes. I felt so uncomfortable, and not just because it was sexy yoga but because I can only imagine what it's like to be in that close proximity to someone in a hot yoga studio. Those things are, like, over 100 degrees! I would have passed out within seconds of arriving. But Chase at least makes out with JoJo/gets the rose at the end of the date, so we'll mark it down as a win in tonight's playbook.
Side note: every time JoJo gives out a rose I feel like I'm watching a parent-teacher conference, like she's reading a report card: this is what you've done well, A+, congratulations. I love her but she's not the greatest at making the script seem believable? Also, was I supposed to know who Charles Kelley was without Googling it? (He's from Lady Antebellum in case anyone cared. The private concerts are always the most random human beings.)
The group date arrives, and Chad is not happy about being picked for the group date over the solo one and he makes it very obvious. Like, he straight up tells everyone that he'd rather give up his spot on the group date in order to chance getting a solo date the next night. That's not how these things work. Anyone have the heart to tell him that? The following five minutes were filled with the cattiest, bitchiest insults I've seen guys on this show hurl around. I've documented them for your reading pleasure below:
Jordan to Chad: “You think she would want to spend a whole day with you?”
Chad, completely out of nowhere: “Evan, stop talking.”
Jordan: “He could win a bench press competition, but not a spelling contest.” Chad: “…are you insinuating that I'm stupid?”
Chad to Jordan: “you're a 27-year-old failed football player, you've done nothing with your life except throw a piece of leather around!”
Meanwhile, in the corner, Evan sips his whiskey and laughs — they hate Chad, they're lukewarm towards Evan. Again, another win in tonight's playbook.
The guys head to a theater for their group date where a woman promptly gets on stage and starts faking an orgasm. Surprise: they're at a sex stand-up show where the cast regularly and openly talks about their weird sexual histories. Only in Los Angeles, right? This is totally Evan's time to shine (refresher, although I don't know how anyone could forget this: he is an erectile dysfunction specialist by trade).
The guys jump on stage and tell their stories, and they do not hold back. I also know way too much about their sexual proclivities: Grant lost his virginity in public and almost got arrested, Daniel cut off someone's hair for no reason, Wells had some kind of a threesome that I honestly don't want to know any more about. Evan's time to shine comes in a speech about erectile dysfunction tips which is really a thinly veiled bit mocking Chad for allegedly taking steroids. Raise your hand if you think Chad was OK with this!!! Spoiler alert: he was not and tried to rip Evan's shirt as he walked up to the stage. Chad's bit, BTW, consisted of refusing to tell a story and trying to turn it into a romantic gesture about how much he cares about JoJo. But here's the thing… as he went to kiss her, she gave him her cheek instead. Burnt to a crisp for all of Middle America to see. Chad is living his very best life on this show, especially after punching a wall causing his hand to bleed because of it. Homie's got some rage issues to take care of if/when he gets sent home.
The issue I have with tonight's episode doesn't lie with Chad, but with Evan. Chad is perfect comedic relief: he stalks JoJo's time with other guys, makes fun of them, listens in on their conversations, even compares Grant to someone from Spongebob (who he's talking about, I will never know). He even tells JoJo that he expected to be on the solo date! Brass cojones on this one, let me tell you. Evan, however, is a little snitch and decides to give JoJo an ultimatum — either he's out, or I'm out. And it works! By the grace of the reality gods, Evan is given the group date rose, and Chad throws a hissy fit. It's like this entire episode was tailor made so I would spend the entire two hours cackling at my TV screen.
Due to Chad's anger problems, the guys end up getting a security guard to watch over them so Chad doesn't try to kill one of them in their sleep. That's all I have to say about that.
James Taylor gets the one-on-one date and he and JoJo head out to Culver City for swing-dancing lessons. It's all very cutesy and old-school — JoJo even dresses like a pinup — and by the end of this date my feet are firmly planted in the James Taylor camp. He's insecure, shy and sweet, but he manages to snag the date rose and move to the next level of his relationship with JoJo. He's a little bit of a dork, but aren't we all? He tells the camera that he's gaining more self confidence and love for himself, and so reminds me of Faith from UnREAL (except, you know, not a lesbian).
Chad's back at it with weightlifting, grunting and eating a raw sweet potato (could he be Ashley S.'s IRL match? Too bad we'll never know since she's engaged) while the other guys are hanging around the Bachelor Mansion waiting for instructions from one Chris Harrison. When Chris shows up, he's got a plot twist: there will be no cocktail party … there's a pool party instead. Just as he's about to let them enjoy themselves, Evan asks if he can pull Chris aside. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster, homie's not done narcing yet! Chris ends up pulling Chad aside to tell him that while he's not kicking him out, that he needs to atone for all the violence/general douchebaggery he's brought to the show. And so we're left on a cliffhanger… until tomorrow night.
“I’m gonna cut everyone here’s legs off and arms off and it’s just gonna be torsos and I’m gonna throw them in the pool” – Chad
“You're gonna need more tattoos if you're going to look like a badass.”
“Look, kids! Daddy made out with JoJo!” – a real thing Evan said on camera
“Try not to be so much like Hitler. Maybe be more like Donald Trump. Or like, Bush. Let's not be so much like Hitler, maybe let's be like Mussolini?” – Daniel (side note: I love Daniel and his horrible fashion sense/terrible analogies… I'd like to see him stick around for a while)
TEXTS FROM MY EDITOR
On the weird sex theater: “Her orgasm sound sounds like she's coughing up a hairball.”
On doppelgangers: “CHAD IS CALVIN HARRIS' EVIL TWIN” (so true, Google it!)
On James Taylor: “He's the kind of guy your mom sets you up with. And I really like him so that's telling me one thing: I'm old.”
On the pre-pool party scene: “And why are they all wearing awful necklaces worn in late 90s boy band music videos?”
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.