Chris Harrison promised us a very dramatic second night of The Bachelorette and for once he delivered! Kind of. The episode dragged up until the very end — of course, it's a Chad scenario that really hooked us — but it was worth it by the time 10pm rolled around. I feel my brain slowly melting every single time I watch this show and yet I cannot stop. I'll watch this trainwreck until my cold dead body is in the ground. And given Chad's track record, I wouldn't be surprised if he finds my recaps and decides to hunt me down. Too far? Never mind. Let's talk about this, shall we?
Evan says he “filled Chris in” on what was going on with Chad vs. the Bachelor Mansion. Narcing is not filling in! Pulling him aside before a rose ceremony is not filling in! It's narcing. You narced. Own it at the very least. I also can't deal with Daniel's accent. Anyone remember Alexander Skarsgard's accent in Zoolander? That's what Daniel sounds like when he talks. It's like I'm losing IQ points. Evan demands a new shirt and an apology from Chad, which is like, LOL, you're kidding me right? Chad's idea of an apology is, and I quote, “just leave me alone and don't push me.” Real classy.
During the pool party, Evan starts bleeding out of nowhere and it's like, dude, are you a hemophiliac? What's going on? That's what you get for snitching! So unsanitary. Meanwhile, Jordan and JoJo are off canoodling god knows where because they are ~ so in love ~ it's obnoxious. Jordan tells her how he feels isn't an act, but then if you recall a certain ex-girlfriend who says he left her to go on the show … I'm not so sure about that. But we'll find out, I guess.
Chad would like to know why people can't keep his name out of their mouths. I would like to know why Chad is using the 8th grade AIM away message I used to use when I was mad at my friends as a defense for his poor behavior. The pool party ends and we lead right into the rose ceremony: Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F., Vinny, Daniel, Alex … and Chad all get roses. So homie stays for another day, which makes me very happy. I just love Chad so much, you know?
JoJo tells the guys that she's taking them away from the mansion — they're never coming back! Guess where they're going! I'll give you a hint: it's nowhere they'd take the contestants on The Bachelor! It's Pennsylvania. They went to Pennsylvania. I would have rather stayed in the mansion. At least Los Angeles is warm year-round.
The first date card of the Pennsylvania trip goes to Luke, and they go on a husky sled ride (but there's no snow on the ground…) to a hot tub in the middle of the forest! We're back with the hot tub dates! I did not miss these at all. JoJo and Luke spend a pretty basic date in the hot tub making out, chatting and eating strawberries. Did anyone else notice that it took Luke a full five seconds to bite down into that strawberry? Where's your dentist? We like good teeth! We like proper dental hygiene! Why couldn't you bite into a fruit? Luke opens up about losing his friend in Afghanistan which is very touching and he is a very deep soul. Brooding. I dig it a whole lot. He tells JoJo that her eyes are “the eyes I could be looking into for the rest of my life.” Naturally, he gets a rose. Duh. But before they go home, they slow dance on stage at a Dan + Shay concert. Can this show only get country singers to perform on it?
Back at the house, Chad is telling the camera that while he won't start anything (a blatant lie) he will finish it (another blatant lie). He is all bark, no bite. He does, however, provide me with my favorite quote of the season thus far: “don't poke the Chad Bear.” It was worth it.
The group date card arrives: James Taylor, Daniel, Chase, Vinny, James F., Evan, Grant, Jordan and Robby are “going all the way” with JoJo. This is irrelevant because what it really means is that Alex and Chad are going on the two-on-one with JoJo at the end of the episode. A showdown for the ages and believe me, if I could have fast forwarded the football date to get to the two-on-one, I would have, so I'll spare you the details. Basically, Jordan brags about having an advantage over everyone because he was drafted into the NFL, but does anyone need a reminder that he didn't play a single game while he was in the NFL? (I did and I'm sharing it with you all now.) James Taylor basically breaks his face open, the blue team wins, and after telling him she can't read him, Jordan gets the group date rose from JoJo. This whole scenario is honestly unimportant. What I really care about is Alex and Chad.
Chad and Alex's date card reads: “into the path your road goes, only one returns for the rose – Chris Harrison.” I love when he rhymes! It almost makes him seem human. Chad starts to lose it a tiny bit (read: a lot) before he leaves for the date, calling out everyone in the house for hating him, trying to get them to fight him outside, and then leaving when no one bows to his demands. It's like watching a toddler throw a temper tantrum and I. Am. So. Here. For. It. JoJo takes Alex and Chad on a hike throughout the woods of rural Pennsylvania and Chad, ever the conversationalist, asks JoJo if she's ever floated on a river because that's all they ever had to do in Oklahoma. (Note to self to figure out if the water in Oklahoma is tainted with crazy.)
JoJo pulls Alex aside first, and Chad is totally cool with it because “nobody ever buys the first house they look at.” Alex is honestly such a sweetheart, even if his feet don't reach the ground when he sits on a regular-sized chair! He totally throws Chad under the bus — I guess to show JoJo that he's actually a bad person — and once JoJo finds out that Chad threatened Jordan, it's game over for Chad. My only complaint is that maybe the producers could make the JoJo/Jordan obsession a little less obvious, but whatever, Alex is getting what he wanted in this respect anyway. JoJo sits Chad down and asks him what's going on, and he doesn't deny that he has been threatening the other guys in the house. In fact, he justifies that he only threatened them so they would be quiet. Solid tactic. I'm going to start telling people on the subway that I'm going to find them and kick their ass when their headphones are too loud!
This is when the show takes quite the creepy turn. They begin to paint Chad as somewhat of a sociopathic serial killer, complete with creepy whistling and solitary walks through darkened woods. Chad finds Alex and tells him, “I am not very happy with you … I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed.” It's comical! And also terrifying. Out of nowhere he starts telling Alex that he needs to have a glass of milk, because milk is delicious. I couldn't tell what the point of this was, but it was hilarious, so I allow it!
JoJo asks Chad if he's threatened anyone in the house, he doesn't deny it, and so Alex gets the rose while Chad is sent packing. We continue with the solid serial killer vibe, however, through the end of the episode — while the guys in the house are popping champagne because Chad is finally gone, he's seen walking through the woods until he arrives back at the house for what we can only assume is his final confrontation with the rest of the contestants … in two weeks. That's right, y'all, we have to wait until June 20th for the “shocking conclusion” to Chad's arc on this show.
I'm going to miss him.
TEXTS FROM MY EDITOR
- On Evan: “Also, he was most definitely the kid who always randomly got bloody noses as a child.” (Agreed.)
- On the hot tub: “‘How can we make this hot tub scene different?' ‘Let's make it so hot it gives them third degree burns!' ‘yes, love it, go with that!'”
- “Sidenote: why does THE BARBER have the WORST haircut?”
- “Evan while the boys play football”:
Photo credit: ABC.com
Episode 3: Make America Chad Again
Episode 2: Marines Should Behave Better Than This
Episode 1: Canadians Don’t Visit Texas
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.