Jimmy Kimmel promised us an absolutely insane episode of The Bachelor on Twitter tonight, and he wasn't lying for a second. With every episode, the girls seem to get crazier, and if last weekend's episode was a rollercoaster, tonight's was a skydive out of a plane about to break the sound barrier. Maybe I'm exaggerating — I'm definitely exaggerating — but this was two hours of my life that I am totally okay with never getting back. As always … let's recap.
I'm going to attempt to fast forward through the sweet and sentimental parts, of which there were many, for two reasons. One, it's getting increasingly difficult to make fun of the really romantic moments and two, I need to quickly get to the insanity that was the two-on-one date. Tonight's episode, taking place in South Dakota, featured a one-on-one, a two-on-one and a group date. We start with the resolution of the cliffhanger last week: Kelsey's panic attack prior to the rose ceremony. The Internet is torn on whether or not this really happened, because homegirl is one deceptive contestant, but how can you accuse someone of faking a panic attack? Either way, Kelsey's relationship with the girls is rapidly deteriorating … especially once she's overheard saying that she deserves a rose for passing out before the ceremony. Chris sends Mackenzie and Samantha home (poor girl finally got some screen time and was promptly taken out of the running) and the remaining ladies pack their bags and head for the foothills.
Becca gets the coveted one-on-one date: riding horses and practicing target shooting with Chris. This date was pretty cool because it showed how down to earth Becca is — she obviously would fit right in back in Chris's Iowa hometown. They snuggle, they sit by the fire, and she gets a rose. It was uneventful but very sweet, so there you have it. I'm really rooting for Becca, and I honestly think she has a shot to take the underdog lead in this competition!
First rose: Becca
At least … I did until the group date. Britt, Whitney, Jade, Carly, Megan and Kaitlyn head to an old school saloon where they're told by Chris that since country music is his favorite genre of music, they're going to be coached by Big and Rich to write him a song about their feelings about him/the competition so far. Big and Rich were some very welcome entertainment, but I felt myself falling asleep during this date. Chris cannot sing at all, so listening to him try to croak out an old time-y banjo ditty was as cringeworthy as it sounds, but the girls really poured their emotions into the music.
Jade cries because Chris is giving Britt all the attention she wants, and I won't lie: Carly's song made me tear up. I hope that if nothing else, she's able to use her exposure on this show to help further her singing career, because I just don't see her winning this. The girls return to the house after the challenge to find that there is mysteriously no rose on the table and that's only because Chris quite literally sweeps Britt off her feet and takes her to a Big and Rich show happening that night. They're brought up onto the stage and Chris gives her the second rose of the night. Raise your hand if you're surprised. Yawn. I'm honestly getting so bored of this show because if Britt wins, it's like I dedicated myself to watching this train wreck every week for nothing. Ashley S. isn't even here anymore! Anyway, Britt comes back and when the girls find out she got a rose, they absolutely flip. Even Kaitlyn cries, which hurt my heart in a bad way, because I want her to win (but this is setting her up very nicely to become the next Bachelorette, so I can let it slide if that happens). I don't even know what the point of this show is anymore if Chris is just going to ignore them all for Britt. Actually, I'll tell you what the point is: Kelsey. Holy guacamole, Kelsey.
Second rose: Britt
Kelsey is pure evil. The girls even confronted her about how rude she is, and she just laughed it off. She even has an evil laugh, which makes me think she's got some kind of unholy Frankenstein monster chained up in her basement. She just screamed Fatal Attraction for the entire two hours of this episode. Ashley I. and Kelsey end up on the two-on-one date, which means one of them is going home without a rose after the date ends. Chris takes them on a helicopter ride to the Badlands, where a whole mess of a situation was waiting to unfold right before our very eyes.
The show stresses time and time again that Kelsey and Ashley are on complete opposite ends of the spectrum, which of course meant that we were in for some fireworks. On the one hand, you've got Ashley bragging about how she's going to take Kelsey down, and on the other hand, you have Kelsey claiming she's got the situation on lock. Come on. One of you has to be incorrect about this situation. Ashley goes off with Chris to talk to him and ends up spending all her time that she could have used to get to know him better telling him that no one in the house likes Kelsey and that he needs to get rid of her. I felt like I was reliving high school watching that happen, and it was truly painful. Chris pulls Kelsey aside and tells her what Ashley told him, and she confronts Ashley about it as adults should — and Ashley totally shuts her down by finally being real to her face. Kelsey is super condescending but Ashley had been talking behind her back the whole time — they're both toxic.
Finally, Chris does the smartest thing he's done all season, and sends them both home sans rose. Ashley I. absolutely flips out, and it was terrifying to watch. She vacillated between sobbing that she deserved more time and yelling at him … I honestly could barely understand her through the tears. Poor Kardashley. His reason for sending her home was honest and more importantly real: he can't give her the life she wants. She needs a big city and a big spender to match, and she'd be absolutely miserable in Iowa for the rest of her life. When he ends things with Kelsey, she admittedly handles it a lot better than I thought she would. I was convinced that she was going to go full Fatal Attraction on him, head to his farm in Iowa, and boil his pet bunny on the stove. (Sorry for the Fatal Attraction spoiler, but if you really had that movie spoiled for you, it's been out for 20 years and I'm not sorry).
The absolute best part of this episode is hands down the girls' reactions to whose suitcases got taken out of the room. You could tell they were all on the edge of their seats to see what happened — when Ashley's got taken out, I swore I saw some of those girls crying … but when Kelsey's got taken out, they quite literally popped Champagne and celebrated her being out of the house. If I didn't have to work today, I would have, too. I was so unbelievably sick of Kelsey. Additionally, I'm pretty sure I got my bracket 100 percent correct and if I did, there's a solid chance I'm in first place in my league now, and that's worth the agony of not being able to write snarky comments about genuinely sweet dates.
Eliminated: Mackenzie, Samantha, Kelsey, Ashley I.
See you all next week for a two-parter recap … we get double the Bachelor for reasons unbeknownst to me (which I'm more than okay with, because what else will I do on a three day weekend)!
Thoughts and Questions
- I still want to know what the deal is with Samantha. How did she make it this far?
- Do you think Kelsey might be the devil incarnate?
- Carly is the funniest person on this show and might be the only reason I still watch it. Quote of the night belongs to her once again: “He's here with eight wonderful charming women … and Kelsey's here too.”
- If Chris and Britt end up together, will you boycott this show for being a waste of your Monday night?
- Are you going to miss Megan and her inability to process what's going on around her whenever she gets sent home? My other favorite part of tonight's episode included Megan thinking she was going on the 2-on-1 date when she was invited to the group. I feel like she's got circus music playing in her head at all times.
Photo credit: ABC.com
Past Weeks:
Episode 5: New Mexico Is, in Fact, a Part of the USA
Episode 4: I Have No Feelings
Episode 3: Kardashley, Jimmy Kimmel and the Amazing Jar
Episode 2: Feral Cats, Zombies and Tractors, Oh My!
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.
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