Welcome to week four of The Bachelor, where natural selection separates the weak-willed from the engagement-minded in order to place our Elite Eight. We're already halfway through this season, which gives me the sads but also, I need a little bit of a break from these wackos. Episode four took some real twists and turns for me and ended in heartbreak. Not for Chris, though, for me. Let's recap!
Chris Harrison arrives to shake things up to tell them that Chris's sisters were going to pick the one-on-one date for that week. So far, Chris has not made the most perfect judgment calls, so I give the producers a gold star for this decision. The first group date card invites Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Juelia, Samantha, Mackenzie and Kelsey to “do what feels natural.” The date, which turned out to be at a lake, involved a day of swimming and basically just hanging out as a group. Ashley I. whipped off her top and jumped into the lake, which I guess is the show's way of showing she's losing her ~ inhibition ~ lest you forget she's a virgin. Kaitlyn followed suit while Kelsey rolled her eyes. Kelsey is basically your judgmental great-grandma in the body of a 30-year-old and I hate her. I knew from the beginning she'd be bland and boring, but I didn't think she'd be bland and rude. She complained to the camera for two minutes straight about how dumb she thinks the competition is, that having any sort of fun is apparently inappropriate, and that the lake date was “a date made for bimbos.” This is The Bachelor! How many times am I going to watch these girls act like they're unclear on everything that this show is about? Chris also pops back in like, “hey, hi, remember me? Farmer Chris? By the way you're staying here with me! All night! In a tent! LOL, bye!” and makes them set up their own tents. Whatever. I'm already over this date.
Surprise twist number one: Chris's sisters show up to pick the girl who will be going on the one-on-one with Chris the next day. Each of the leftover girls — Carly, Britt, Jillian, Nikki, Whitney, Becca and Jade — get pulled out from the group one by one to chat with Chris's sisters about their likes, dislikes, what have you … but probably not the fact that their brother has stuck his tongue down everyone on the show's throat so far. Anyway, this was pretty boring because it was like watching a series of job interviews so I'm not even going to talk about it except for the fact that Jade won the one-on-one date, and she's had no on-air time or even any time with Chris.
Back at the natural date, the girls are getting absolutely trashed around the campfire. What I really love about this group of girls is that they are always true to their own character. Whenever I expect something from them, they deliver 100 percent of the time. Kelsey takes the only one-on-one time we've seen her have with Chris all season to complain about how lame she thought the date was. All of a sudden, the heavens opened up and the shining light that is Ashley S./Crazy Eyes reappeared to bring the crazy. Sitting around the campfire, she remarks that she has no music, but she wants to dance … so she starts humming an ad hoc chant. It's like she was trying to emulate traditional tribal music but kept forgetting what she was trying to do. It was a beautiful disaster.
In the background, Mackenzie is talking about aliens again — I told you, they never disappoint — and how she wants them to take her to their spaceship and probe her. Do you, girl. Kaitlyn's talking head remarks that it's a full moon so she's not surprised at their behavior. By the way, I'm calling Kaitlyn for the next Bachelorette. The real MVP of the hour as always, my girl Crazy Eyes, returns and brings Chris away from the campfire so they can talk. Has anyone else noticed that she always does this in secluded areas? She doesn't do this at the mansion at all. She led him away from the zombie date and now the campfire date to sit and stare at him. At this point, my horror movie radar is sounding off nonstop. You're at a campsite, it's the middle of the night, you're alone with a very strange girl … do you see where I'm going with this? This is the plot of Friday the 13th! They stole the plot of Friday the 13th!
Now, I have to say that I got pretty lost during Ashley S.'s conversation with Chris because I can't understand a single word the girl says. In my notes, I have: “I know you're a Scorpio”, “iloveeverythingaboutyouuuu” and “I hope that resonates within your mind tonight.” I'm pretty sure she was attempting mind control on him as he very uncomfortably sat next to her. She also kept kissing him, which I viewed as a serious violation of personal space, but societal rules and boundaries just don't apply to a being like Ashley S. who is so clearly not of this planet, so I'll allow it. The night ends with the first rose being given out and everyone else freaking out because they need attention and they're not getting it.
First rose: Kaitlyn
In one of the more awkward parts of television that I've ever seen, Ashley I. sneaks into Chris's tent to have a quick chat with him, AKA use every beat-around-the-bush tactic in the book to tell him that she's a virgin. Except she doesn't. She thinks she did, but he has no idea what she's talking about. You can tell that he's confused, she's nervous and absolutely nothing is being communicated. Don't worry, because that boils over later in the episode. There's more to come. To be honest, I can't even blame this one on Chris because you have to put yourself in his shoes for a second. How would you feel if a wild Kardashley appeared out of nowhere, climbed into your tent, and started a conversation with you in the middle of the night about how she's a virgin without actually saying she's a virgin? Just writing out that sentence made me tired and confused.
Fast forward to Jade's fairytale date with Prince Farming … and then cut to Ashley I.'s nonstop whining about how she deserves to be on the Cinderella date because it's her dream. Girl, bye. It's almost everyone's dream to be taken on a fairytale date. You are no different. Either way, the Cinderella date, aka a complete advertisement for the upcoming movie, was beautifully shot, aesthetically romantic and very, very, very boring. As soon as Jade appeared at the top of the stairs a la Beauty and the Beast (wrong Disney movie, ABC, but we'll let that slide), you could see Chris flipping through his mental Rolodex because no one knows who Jade is! She has had no screen time! Though I have to say that after this date, she's probably one of my favorites. You can tell she doesn't have an agenda although she's a little shady about her past ~ modeling days ~ but she seems genuinely happy to be there, unlike a certain contestant whose name starts with a K and ends with an Elsey. Surprisingly enough, the two confess to each other that they've both been engaged before. Plot twist! Full disclosure, I did not watch The Bachelorette, so I don't know if he confessed that to Andi last season, but it was a surprise to me. Anyway, Jade gets a rose, and they share a sweeping ballroom dance in front of a live orchestra.
Second rose: Jade
The third date begins with the girls who weren't invited on the lake date minus Jade, so: Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt and Becca. The clue? Let's get dirty. I had been waiting for this moment since I saw the trailer — they're rocking wedding dresses to a Tough-Mudder-esque obstacle course! I love Jillian, I say this every week. I knew she'd be in complete beast mode today since she lost the hog-wrestling challenge last week. She didn't enjoy the wedding dresses, stating “I'm not feeling the best Jillian that I can feel today.” That's going to be my new catchphrase. While the other girls are half-heartedly stretching, Jillybean is doing lunges and getting ready to kill the competition, which she does. She so easily wins the game that the other girls straight up quit on racing halfway through, knowing that she would probably lap them a second time if she did the whole obstacle course again — so she wins a surprise one-on-one date with Chris that night in San Francisco.
This is where things got messy. Jillian talked about herself the entire night. She's too much for him — she's a news producer in D.C., a very fast-paced job in a fast-paced city, and he's a farmer in Iowa — but she's still hellbent on making it work. She tells him stories, tells him dirty jokes, but they don't have the same kind of charm that Kaitlyn's did, and the whole evening falls flat. Chris says to the camera, “Her words come out much faster than my head can process … I begin to think of unicorns and dancing fairies.” This had me hysterical. He just couldn't keep up with her and she couldn't slow down enough for him … so she gets booted. No rose, and she's sent packing the next night. Girl doesn't even make it to the next cocktail hour.
The final cocktail hour is upon us, and Ashley I. is wearing her Cinderella dress (that she packed specifically for a Cinderella date she never got to go on) as she pulls Chris aside yet again to fully explain what she's been trying to tell him for the last week. She tells him she's a virgin, and he legitimately had no idea! It looked like he couldn't even say the word without giggling. “You're a…… virgin. Okay. Okay!” Ashley I. is a huge overthinker and cries about it to every other girl she can find at the cocktail hour, thinking that she's totally ruined her chances with Chris. Mackenzie, who is also three years younger than Ashley, looked like she was going to slap her. “I have a KID! I have A TODDLER CHILD AT HOME! You are FINE!”
Britt confronts Chris later that night about the fact that she's not getting as much attention as she thinks she deserves since they clicked so well the first night. Jealousy is an ugly, ugly disease, my friends. This aggravates Chris so much that after they talk it out — quite a civil discussion, actually — that he walks into the cocktail hour and tells them that if any of them think that he's not really, truly looking for his wife, that they're free to leave. A moment of candor from our usually non-confrontational Bachelor, and I loved it. L.A. is changing our Midwestern farmer boy! Juelia is sent home, which was sad as I was finally starting to warm up to her, but Chris's reasons were super pure and wonderful: he didn't feel like it was going anywhere and wanted her to be able to get back to her daughter. He even took her outside to tell her that!
Ashley S. is gone. She did not receive a rose. My heart simply cannot go on after this. I'm going to miss Crazy Eyes and her chanting, pseudo-insightful quotes, serial-killer demeanor and onion pomegranates. I just loved her so much. She was my candle in the wind, my diamond in the rough, my national treasure. She didn't care about being eliminated, and kept telling the camera that she has no feelings, so maybe she isn't a pod person or a possessed doll. She might just be a robot. Goodbye, Crazy Eyes. <3
Final roses: Kaitlyn, Jade, Britt, Becca, Whitney, Carly, Samantha, Kelsey (???), Mackenzie, Ashley I., Megan
Sent home: Jillian, Juelia, Ashley S., Nikki
Bottles of wine consumed: half. I was determined to be able to catch everything Ashley S. said before she slipped through my fingers.
Thoughts & Questions
- DOES ANYONE KNOW WHO SAMANTHA IS???? IT'S WEEK FOUR AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS!
- Will you miss Ashley S. as much as I will? Am I a hypocrite for not putting her in my bracket this week even though I love her so much?
- Do you think Farmer Chris will ever venture to NYC's outer boroughs knowing that Ashley S. is from Brooklyn, or does he think that she's going to be hiding there, waiting for him?
- Did we ever find out why Jillian's bikini bottoms had to be censored all the time?
- I'm going to create a petition to change it from the Elite Eight to the Envious Eight or the Off the Wall Octet. Jealousy and insanity is rampant in the mansion this week!
Photo credit: ABC.com
Past Weeks:
Episode 3: Kardashley, Jimmy Kimmel and the Amazing Jar
Episode 2: Feral Cats, Zombies and Tractors, Oh My!
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.
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