So many things happened on this week's episode of “The Bachelor.” Sooooo many things. A show that is known for being a mess became even messier thanks to the addition of one Jimmy Kimmel. His terrible jokes really highlighted the fact that Chris Soules is not great, to say the least, on camera … nice to look at, but very wooden when speaking to anyone. Anyway, my favorite part of this episode was the Amazing Jar, a nod to the fact that the lovely ladies of “The Bachelor” seem to have no other words to describe dating Farmer Chris in their mental thesauruses. Let's recap, shall we?
This episode started with Jimmy Kimmel first asking if Chris was naked and upon confirmation that he wasn't, proceeded to tell him — nay, warn him — of the “amazing journey” they were going to start together that day. Surprise: Jimmy Kimmel messes everything up. He shows up to tell the girls that, too. Quick rundown: JK arrives, tells them that they have to put a dollar in the Amazing Jar if they say the word “amazing” during the course of the show, and basically tells them he #RunsTheWorld today. He's in charge of their dates, the rose ceremony, etc. Taking over for Chris Harrison is an extremely easy task, and considering Jimmy Kimmel is not new to television it was almost painful to watch. Becca just sits there with a dazed look on her face — almost as if she stares hard enough, she'll be able to wish Jimmy and the other competitors away to the cornfield. Get it? Joke landed. I should host “The Bachelor.”
Kaitlyn gets the first one-on-one date with Chris, and they go on a surprise date designed by Jimmy Kimmel to Costco. Costco! Of course! Where romance lives. He requests that they pick up a two pack of beef jerky, size 32 jeans, a tub of mayo and enough ketchup to fill a hot tub. This is where I would have been absolutely OUT, as the slightest mention of mayo makes me nauseous, but Kaitlyn handles it like a trooper and they go shopping together. She even says she enjoys it, and it makes her feel like they're a real couple. Dating must suck in Vancouver. They play a weird basketball game (in the middle of Costco?), they kiss in some weird plastic tubing (again, in the middle of Costco. Not my life, not my problem). Honestly, Kaitlyn is so cool. She handled a surprise date to a food warehouse tremendously well, and she made it as fun as she could. I hope she lasts for a while … and she will, because she got a rose. Even after Jimmy Kimmel continually reinforced that Chris “can't buy the car without test-driving it.” Even after he interrupted their hot tub alone time. Even after saying that Chris should “try to have sex with everyone on the show”, and then asking if she'd be okay with it. Her karmic return for dealing with Jimmy “Most Annoying Bachelor Host On Earth” Kimmel was a rose from Farmer Chris.
First rose: Kaitlyn
Amazing jar count: $2 (both from Chris, surprisingly)
If the mountain won't come to Mohammed, Mohammed must go to the mountain. Tonight's group date brought the Iowa farm to Britt, Jillian, Becca, Tracy, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Amber, Ashley S., Juelia, Samantha, Nikki and Carly. This date, involving “real party animals,” had the girls competing in various farmhand-themed tasks to win Chris's heart for the day. The girls had to shuck corn, crack an egg in a bowl without breaking it, milk a goat and DRINK IT (side note: I almost had to turn it off at this point), and then wrestle a pig to prove that they could survive on the tough streets of … Iowa. I've been saying that Jillian is a true BAMF and total star of the show and she proved it here. She hustled — milked the goat and drank it without even thinking, shucked the corn as fast as she could and hopped over the fence to wrestle that pig. She hopped over the fence! Her feet didn't even touch it! She just launched herself over! I want to be her!
However, she just couldn't beat Carly, and I have no idea how that one happened. If you remember from the first episode, Carly is the cruise ship singer who showed up in Little Bo Peep couture with a Barbie karaoke machine. She wrestled the pig, beat Jillian … and she's lactose intolerant, but she chugged the goat milk without even thinking to pop a Lactaid beforehand. Although I know her stomach probably turned inside out after that, my heart and sorrow is fully with Jilly Bean today, you know? Also, apparently Carly thinks she lives in a Nicholas Sparks novel, because she asked him to dance and said, totally seriously, “we can make our own music.
Becca dropped a surprise move on him tonight. In a shocking turn of events, once Becca gets some time alone with Chris she refuses to kiss him, saying he needs to work for it and that she's “hoping you don't need the kiss for the rose.” Whitney gets a talking head interview, so now I know that I'm going to have to listen to her talk like a baby for the next 20 minutes to a half hour: she gets a one-on-one date with Chris to a winery. She reminds me of that one-time character on 30 Rock, Abby, who dressed and talked like a sexy baby. So the whole time I can't get this stupid “sexy baby” image out of my head. Anyway, somehow Becca gets a rose (I guess playing hard to get works on this show after all), Carly whines about how “being roseless feels so bad”, and we're on to Chris's date with Whitney.
Second rose: Becca
Amazing jar count: $4, Chris and Becca
Glasses of wine consumed since the first ten minutes of the show: 2.5
At first glance, I really dislike Whitney. Besides the baby voice, she's rocking a denim vest, says “oh my word” a lot, and describes the wine she's drinking as “refreshing and really good” before getting down to business and trying to squeeze whatever information she can out of Chris. She's got an agenda, she's pushing the down-home thing a little too hard, and I just don't trust her or her denim vest. Their date was a yawnfest: they ditched the wine tour, went to crash a wedding, and she pretended they had just gotten engaged. Whitney even made crashing a wedding super boring. Chris and Whitney told the wedding guests that they were on “The Bachelor” but it had just finished filming, and Whitney switched a ring to her left ring finger all while dancing around with this freaky look on her face. Like, yeah. Okay. You know Whitney sits up at night with a voodoo doll of Britt and sleeps with a lock of Chris's hair under her pillow until she defeats all her enemies through the use of black magic. You know at this point that she's totally going to get a rose, but not until she throws a dollar in the jar for everything being soooo amazing! She does indeed get the coveted third rose, and refers to her and Chris's date tonight — by the way, she seems to forget that this is a fake engagement — as the beginning of “one of the greatest love stories of all time.” Unclear and wrong.
Third rose: Whitney
Amazing count: I've officially lost count, there were, like, 10 thrown around at once
Glasses of wine: Four. Needed it to deal with our girl Whitney.
Jimmy shows up to tell the girls that instead of a cocktail party, they'll be having a pool party instead. Juelia gets Chris alone, tells him that she only cares about finding love, and tells him all about her late husband's suicide. Major sads, super heavy stuff and she's just so wonderful about all of it. Juelia rules. She actually deserves better than Chris IMO — she's the only one so far who I would genuinely like to be friends with.
And now, we're finally up to #Kardashley. This part really made me remember why I watch this hot, hot mess of a show. Ashley I. is super threatened by Britt and Jillian with good reason, of course, because I would be too. She corners Chris at the pool party, but while he's trying to talk about his feelings, she just mouth attacks him! She full on makes out with him while he's still trying to talk. It was half gross, half hilarious and 100 percent insane. These girls are nuts. Jade finally gets some screen time and very sneakily asks Chris to give her a tour of the house, ending in the bedroom, of course. I don't even think I have to tell you guys that they end up making out, because it's Farmer Chris, so of course they did. The icing on the cake is that Jillian waits outside the house in the hot tub for Chris the entire time. I can't stress how much I love Jillian enough. She is a go-getter and she's not above waiting it out for what she wants. She's going to go far in this show, I really think so. I want her to be the next Bachelorette — she'd be the greatest maneater the show had ever seen.
Kardashley freaks out about the lack of equal time the girls get with Chris. Like, girl, this isn't a timeshare condo in Florida. You have to fight for what you want. That's the whole point of this show. She really doesn't get it, freaks out, and starts crying — looking exactly like Kim Kardashian while doing so. Life imitating art imitating life. Super meta, and bravo to ABC for capturing it. Nothing else really happens until the rose ceremony except Kardashley gets super drunk at the pool party and loses her glass as she's storming away. Kind of ruins her point, but we all get it.
Who stays: Kaitlyn, Becca, Whitney, Jade, Samantha, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Ashley S., Nikki, Jillian, Ashley I.
Who goes: Trina, Amber, Tracy
Thoughts and questions:
- WHO IS SAMANTHA? I still don't have an answer for this!
- Can you imitate Kim Kardashian's crying face as well as Ashley I. can?
- Would you drink warm goat milk for Farmer Chris?
- Are you as devastated as I was about the lack of Crazy Eyes on your screen this week?
- Are you getting seriously annoyed with claims of nothing being fair? What are we, 5?
Photo credit: ABC.com
Episode 2: Feral Cats, Zombies and Tractors, Oh My!
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.