It's 10:01 on Monday night and I am absolutely floored at tonight's episode of The Bachelor. Everything I expected to happen did not happen, and vice versa. As we all sadly know, my candle in the wind left us last week and so I can't dedicate paragraphs to Ashley S.'s craziness. Most of this episode was elaborately romantic and therefore not fun to make fun of … however, enough hot mess drama went down to ensure that this episode did not disappoint. The Bachelor is The Bachelor, after all. It will never not be a sloppy affair. Let's recap!
This week's episode is taking place in Santa Fe, N.M., from start to finish, with one group date and two one-on-one dates. This is a crucial time, people! We're down to the wire! Now that Ashley S. is gone, it's up to Megan to bring the crazy, which comes in the form of expressing how excited she is to be going to Santa Fe because she had “never been out of the country before.” Who's going to tell her New Mexico is a part of the United States? Not I.
Carly gets the one-on-one date, which turns out to be a session with a ~ love guru ~ in the middle of Santa Fe. Now, I'm not familiar with New Mexico, but I'm pretty sure it's a New Age-y state, so I'm not surprised that such a thing exists; I am surprised, however, that our Midwestern farmer prince thought this date would be a good idea. The love guru turns out to be a sex guru and guides them through such practices as disrobing each other article by article of clothing (while she watches/encourages them) and breathing into each other's mouths (????). The two of them are very, very, very uncomfortable throughout the whole thing. Chris and Carly both remind me of high schoolers trapped in adult bodies, so the situation was probably as awkward for me to watch as it was for them to do it. Maybe I exaggerate here, but do you think his mom watches it? She was probably very embarrassed. Carly tells the camera how much she wanted to run away during the whole date, but back at Chris's place in Santa Fe, she tells him how comfortable she felt with him. I'm sensing some retractions that need to be made on your story, Carly. Anyway, of course she gets a rose. Chris is totally enamored with Carly, but you know she's second only to Britt (duh).
Back at the house, Kelsey is telling everyone about her husband who had passed away a year prior to filming the show. She's very, very nonchalant the entire time she tells the story … and can't remember what exactly happened to him. “It starts with a c… congestive heart failure? Nobody knows!” That doesn't really bode well for Kelsey. The group date card comes: all the girls are invited but Britt and Carly, so Britt officially has the second one-on-one date! That girl is going to win, I'm sure of it.
The group date clue consists of “rapidly falling in love.” Hmmm. Wonder where they're going? According to Kaitlyn, she had hoped it was a shooting range. The first thing I think of when I hear the word “rapid” is not guns, but I'm glad that's where her head is at. The girls and Chris head out on a whitewater rafting trip, where one of the girls (full disclosure, I got sort of bored and walked away from the TV for a bit) falls out of the raft mid-trip. Chris hoists her back into the raft like it's nothing, and I guess her bathing suit bottom fell off, because the black censor bar came back. I feel like it's an insult to Jillian to use that black censor bar for anyone but her. Becca suffers from hypothermia at less than freezing temperatures but still went on a whitewater rafting trip to impress Chris. If that isn't dedication, I don't know what is.
After the date, back at the hotel, Chris is walking towards that night's cocktail hour when lo and behold, who shows up but Jordan! JORDAN! She got eliminated three weeks ago and she drove from Colorado to New Mexico to try to get another chance. This is the part where my jaw hit the floor. Kimberly already did that! It didn't work out! Why would you do the same thing? The girls are absolutely irate, and I have to say that this is the one time this season that I agreed with them — I'd be furious as well. Our Prince Farming consults with each girl about their opinions on Jordan, and they all say more or less the same thing: GET HER OUT OF HERE. I don't know if this should come as a surprise to you, but he makes her go home. Oh well. A+ for effort, I guess. Sorry about your wasted gas expenditures. After every single girl talks smack about Jordan behind her back (and some to Chris's face, looking at you, Kardashley), he gives the rose to the one girl who was genuinely nice to Jordan: Whitney. Ashley I.'s reaction? “I thought I didn't have to worry about that“. The condescension just rolls off the tongue so easily, huh? I'm starting to dislike her as much as I dislike Kelsey.
Apparently Britt doesn't shower, which is what we find out when she gets her one-on-one date invite: the sky's the limit. She's also terrified of heights. We're learning lots of new things about the ladies of The Bachelor this episode! Britt's date ends up being a hot-air balloon ride, and she magically forgets she's afraid of heights, which made for a beautifully cheesy date. Back at the house, the girls have not only taken pages out of Regina George's handbook — they've basically memorized it and have started tearing Britt to pieces about her life choices, including lack of daily showers (or showers in general). Ashley I. actually criticizes Britt for not wanting to get married and have kids right away — she literally cannot fathom that someone might put other things first. The horror! Britt's date ends with, what else, a rose … and Chris closing the bedroom doors while Britt is still inside, although she claims that they just took a nap. Let me tell you that I have never seen anyone over the age of five get so infuriated at the mention of the word nap.
I appreciate a go-getter (I miss Jillian! I just really miss her!) as much as the next person, but Kelsey took it way too far. She went up to Chris's room, told him her story about her fiancé … and then proceeded to make out with him. This is the girl who was criticizing others for being tacky and immature! I'm all for moving on, but even Juelia was still genuine about her late husband's passing, while Kelsey seems to be using it as an angle to get Chris to keep her on the show. I don't know what her agenda is, but I trust her less and less by the minute.
The girls are waiting for the cocktail hour to begin when Chris walks in, clearly in distress … and walks back out after needing some air. Chris Harrison then comes in to inform our lovely ladies that there will be no cocktail hour, and that Chris had already made up his mind about who is staying and who is going that night. As soon as he leaves, commence Kelsey passed out in the hallway due to a panic attack about the rose ceremony. I'm not kidding, she really had a panic attack.
And … we are left hanging. They set us up with a cliffhanger! I have no idea who's staying or who's going! The worst part about it? I won't know if I moved up from third place in my bracket until next Monday! Of course, I'll be back here to update you on all things Kelsey.
Thoughts and questions
- Does anyone else think Ashley I. was a bully in high school?
- This episode was an absolute gold mine of quotes, but Carly wins with: “I've never been around a group of such beautiful — well, physically beautiful — girls in my life!” Third degree burn and full of reality. Brutal, painful, I loved it.
- Runner-up quote of the night goes to Megan's talking-head during the closing credits: “I never figured out why they called it New Mexico and not Old Mexico… well, I think Mexico was first … and then the United States came?”
- Would you have a panic attack if you realized you were about to get kicked off The Bachelor? Would you fake a panic attack if you realized you were about to get kicked off The Bachelor?
- Can ANY of these girls survive in Iowa?
- WHO IS SAMANTHA? I will ask this question until the day I die!
Photo credit: ABC.com
Past Weeks:
Episode 4: I Have No Feelings
Episode 3: Kardashley, Jimmy Kimmel and the Amazing Jar
Episode 2: Feral Cats, Zombies and Tractors, Oh My!
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.
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