“The Bachelorette” Season 12, Episode 7: The One with all the Horses

Season twelve, episode 7 and we’re moving at full steam ahead. And … I guess we’re still in Argentina! No shocker there. The house is still reeling from JoJo’s decision not to eliminate James Taylor and/or Alex in the last episode, so you know the producers are out for blood in tonight’s episode. There’s still a rose up for grabs on today’s group date, but only one rose. There are three one-on-ones and it’s anyone’s game (although, really, we all know it’s Jordan’s game, and we’re just along for the ride until he proposes). The group is headed to a ranch but five of them have to hang out on a bus while one lucky guy gets to drive with JoJo… and get the first one-on-one date.

Naturally, it’s Alex. I’m not totally surprised as James Taylor really isn’t a contender for a one-on-one date at the moment and Alex hasn’t had any actual time with JoJo. Alex looks like he could be fun to hang out with, and JoJo swears she’s comfortable around him, but their relationship seems more like bro-ing out than anything romantic. On the bus to the resort, the guys start beatboxing about how JoJo should be with them and not Alex, and back in the car, Alex does a terrible freestyle rap rhyming “JoJo” with “liquor store.” I might have to throw in the towel on this show after tonight’s episode, because if I have to see someone make up another stupid song one more time I don’t know what I’ll do.

Alex and JoJo are headed to a farm where they learn to be “gauchos” or cowboys. Fun fact: according to the ranch hand, you cannot learn how to be a gaucho, you have to be born a gaucho. Sadly for Alex, he wasn’t born a gaucho. Homeboy walks out of the stables in the dorkiest cowboy-esque outfit I have ever seen, but JoJo apparently thinks it’s cute, so I guess it’s fine. She doesn’t do too well herself on this date as she apparently lacks the gene for climbing up onto things, specifically horses. I guess Alex’s magical Marine Corps bootcamp training skills came in handy because they propelled him over the horse like it was nothing. Sadly, his victory is short-lived, because he tells JoJo she “looks like something out of a Ralph Lauren model magazine.” Words! Use your words! They hang out with a horse and watch a ranchhand calm it down and honestly this was very, very creepy and off-putting so I don’t really want to talk about it any more than I have to.

Meanwhile, the Bus Crew stops off to get Argentinian barbeque, which honestly is preferable to this creepy horse whisperer date, but Jordan throws a fit about it because he’s a picky eater. Of course he is. I could see him being the mama’s boy who got the crust cut off his sandwiches way, way too late in the game. Once they get to the resort — Puesto Viejo — Jordan gets the next one-on-one date card and James Taylor looks absolutely crushed. Sorry, buddy, you’re definitely going home tonight. I can feel it.

This is where things start to take a turn for the worse here in Crazytown, USA (or, for this episode, Argentina). During their post-date cocktail hour, Alex confesses to JoJo that he’s in love with her, and the look on her face tells you he’s totally getting sent home. Her reaction? “I don’t feel as excited as I should.” So, she sends Alex packing and let me tell you, he is not happy about it. He’s got some rage built up — he won’t even look her in the eye. It’s sad, but fair. This is The Bachelorette! They are not producing happy endings for everyone!

All sadness aside, it’s Jordan’s turn for the one-on-one date, and you know this is going to be a cool date because JoJo saves all the truly fun stuff for Jordan. Wouldn’t you know it — they head to Mendoza on a private jet to spend the day wine tasting. Like, of course Jordan gets this date. And they end up in a hot tub, too. Classic Bachelorette move. The guys at the house are super jealous of Jordan and blame his luck on the show on his pro athlete brother, but as JoJo (and the rest of America) soon finds out, Jordan and Aaron don’t talk. Like, at all. So maybe the clout he gets from having the same name is really just that — sharing DNA and nothing more. He also tells JoJo he wants her to “come meet Mama,” so I was right on the money with calling him out for being a total mama’s boy. On the plus side, though, he tells JoJo he’s in love with her on this date … and I’m pretty sure he’s got this entire competition in the bag.

The group date card arrives, and Robby, Chase and James Taylor are headed to the hotel for a slumber party due to a last-minute change of plans. Yes, a slumber party, and yes, it was very weird. I don’t think I like Robby too much and Chase and Jordan remind me too much of each other, so as much as I’m going against popular opinion, I initially want James Taylor to get the group date rose. That is, however, until he decides to stuff as many French fries as he can into his mouth to win over JoJo. I’ve never felt so much secondhand embarrassment. Plus, he continues to sell everyone out to JoJo for less than stellar behavior! First Jordan, now “Wandering Eye Robby” (his term, not mine) for checking out Argentinian girls on the street. Who cares? And who taught you that being a snitch was OK? Robby is a pretty good sport about it and even runs down the hall in his underwear after JoJo dared him to do it. A pretty inane dare, no lie, but at least he played along unlike someone else I could mention … (Chad. I really, really miss Chad.)

A quick rundown of everyone’s individual time with JoJo: Robby does redeem himself from the James Taylor fiasco because he opens up to JoJo about his ex-girlfriend and trying to move past it because he loves JoJo. Chase is smart … he knows it’s too soon to drop the L word and he’s having trouble dealing with JoJo building relationships with other guys. James Taylor, bless his heart, is convinced that his lack of physical connection is due to having a stronger emotional connection with JoJo than the other contestants. This hurt to watch — JoJo talking to James is like watching a babysitter talk to a child who’s had too much candy and needs to go to bed. Group date rose goes to Robby for opening up (but also, probably, for stripping down to his underwear and taking on a dare).

Luke’s date comes up and there are more horses. Why did this episode focus primarily on horses? Is JoJo secretly a horse girl, because if so, I dislike her a lot more now. I’ll watch Luke do anything, though, so here I am and as JoJo puts it, he is a man. Like, wow. He’s boring but he’s hot so he’ll be the perfect Bachelor if given the opportunity. He’s also very serious about his future and finding the perfect woman to settle down with and he also gets some intel on that night’s rose ceremony. By intel I mean that there won’t be a rose ceremony and that JoJo already has made up her mind.

The rose ceremony arrives, and our final four are: Robby, Luke, Jordan and Chase. I saw this coming from a mile away. James Taylor did handle it well — very mature, 10/10. Although to be honest, it absolutely broke my heart when he said he gave her everything with tears in his eyes — I can’t relive that horror again. Sometimes I wish we had a Tim Gunn save like on Project Runway so we could give Chase back to the world; he’s too much of a Jordan Rodgers clone for me to really appreciate him.

Hometowns are next week, which means we have a lot to look forward to in the coming month. We’ve got fantasy suites, the final rose, hopefully (in my dreams) Luke being announced as the next Bachelor … just in time for Bachelor in Paradise to start back up. I, personally, am incredibly psyched for Chad to be back on my TV again.

Photo credit: ABC.com

Past Weeks:
Episode 6: I Totally Cried for Him Argentina
Episode 5: No One Can Pronounce Uruguay
Episode 4: Perception Is Reality, Chad
Episode 3: Make America Chad Again
Episode 2: Marines Should Behave Better Than This
Episode 1: Canadians Don’t Visit Texas