When you get to the final three on The Bachelor, do you feel like you're starting to lose your sense of purpose? Like … why am I still watching this if Ashley S. isn't here? The crazies and mean girls have come and gone (well, mostly) and we're left with three relatively normal, relatively sane girls — besides the fact that they're competing on this absolutely insane show. I'm drained from the Oscars on Sunday and two hours of Chris Soules bouncing around the final three like a pinball machine, so let's jump into this recap before I really lose it, shall we?
The final three — Whitney, Kaitlyn and Becca — finally get to leave the continental United States and head to Bali for week nine of The Bachelor. Prince Farming is waaaay out of his element in Bali. You would think that considering it's an island with farms and lack of public transportation there would be some kind of mystic connection, but he just seems really confused half the time. I'm starting to think he just is confused half the time. Anyway, I'm glad they lasted long enough to go on a vacation that wasn't to the middle of nowhere South Dakota. Now that we are at a dwindling number of ladies, each date is a one-on-one, which gives Chris more time to get to know these girls in depth.
Kaitlyn is first up, and they go on a religious-meditation hybrid date. I think. I don't know, I start to lose track of these dates when they're overly romantic and don't concern a Kardashley having a mental breakdown in the middle of the desert, you know? Chris says that Kaitlyn is the kind of person he could see being in his life and before they enter the temple, Chris tells her that they aren't allowed to kiss or really express any physical contact while inside the temple. Homegirl actually pouts about this … like, this is a spiritual place in the middle of Indonesia? And you're going to complain that you can't kiss him? Girl, you know the Fantasy Suite is coming. Control yourself. Chris is really into the whole spiritual meditative shebang (or at least the show is painting him to be) because he's taken a bunch of our lovely contestants on dates similar to this. Honestly, he was real cute in this date. I might be falling in love with Chris. Call me if your #1 lady doesn't work out, ok?
Now. I went into this episode not trusting Kaitlyn at all due to some less-than-positive gossip sites claiming that she was doing this show for the fame and not true love. Regardless if that's true or not, I honestly think she ended up falling for Chris without expecting to and it was really sweet to watch them interact. She tells him point blank that she's falling in love with him and for someone who has had her guard up the entire time, you could tell she meant it. Comparing the Kaitlyn from the first episode to the Kaitlyn in Bali, you would think they were totally different people — she does care about Chris, and probably does love him. Of course, they end the night in the fantasy suite, and everything is perfect.
Until Chris goes on his date with Whitney. Every week I dislike Whitney a little more and now that Carly isn't here for me to direct my grievances at, Whitney and her pseudo-baby voice will have to take her place. Chris takes her sailing and she does literally everything in her power to convince him that her sister really does approve and that she's just stubborn, hard-headed, etc. — basically saying that she'll undermine the opinion of her closest family member if it means she's going to get married. I just don't know how to feel about it. If my sister had doubts about the guy I was saying I was going to marry after meeting him on The Bachelor which is notorious for womanizing, I would probably try to listen to her. But, hey, love is blind or whatever. Whitney straight up says to the camera, “I'm very confident that I'm going to marry Chris.” Yikes. You still have a couple more weeks to go, my friend. Be wary of hyping yourself up — you don't want to go the way of Kelsey and Kardashley. She's super open about her feelings and has no problem with telling Chris she's falling in love with him, a far cry from Kaitlyn who literally shakes every time she has to talk about her feelings. Different strokes, I guess.
Side note: can we talk about how unbelievably insecure Chris is about Arlington, Iowa? Every single episode he is very, very self-deprecating about being from such a tiny town in the middle of nowhere. I get the whole needing-to-be-honest-about-living-in-a-500-person-town thing, but there comes a time when you need to let people form their own opinions about it instead of forcing it down their throats. The more you talk about how awful a place is, the more people are going to agree with you. This is not a case for reverse psychology. Anyway, Whitney, of course, agrees with everything he says about living in a small town and guarantees that she wants to move there. Whitney is adaptable, you can tell — and I have a feeling she wants to be his wife more than anything, so she'll move to Iowa if it means she's going to marry him.
Finally, Becca has the last date. I'm really rooting for Becca here, so I'm glad she has the last date. They take a walk around Bali, hang out with some kids on the street, see a psychic and end up making out by a waterfall. Super cute and super ideal — I mean, you're in Bali. That's exactly what you should be doing! Chris and Becca really get into a deep discussion here, about moving from San Diego to Iowa, which is clearly a huge move. I think Becca's got the best head out of anyone on her shoulders: she's hesitant about giving up her job, friends and entire life to move to a completely different lifestyle. I'd be hesitant, too! Anyone would! If you took this situation and put it in the middle of real life, these girls would be running away! Such is Hollywood.
Becca stresses about how to tell Chris she's a virgin for what seems like the entire time she's on screen tonight. I get that! I personally would feel like I was in too deep at that point, especially after the huge deal Kardashley made about being a virgin for the entire time she was on the show. It's even worse when you have to talk about something so private on national television, but she signed up for The Bachelor, so she knew it was coming. She is a master of procrastination, because she postpones telling him until right after she receives the fantasy suite card. The entire time she was telling him, my brain was screaming “I AM VERY VERY UNCOMFORTABLE AND I DO NOT LIKE THIS.” I felt like a total peeping Tom watching her have this conversation with him — me and a million other people. Even though he was super accepting of it (as he should be), there is something that tells me that Chris has the emotional immaturity of a 12-year-old no matter how well he can hide it because the look on his face looks like he's trying not to laugh every time someone says the word “virgin.” Who knows? They spent the night together and while I'd like to think that she would cash in her V-card that easily, the fine editing of The Bachelor production team had me screaming DEAR GOD DO NOT LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY TO A GUY WHO JUST BANGED TWO OTHER WOMEN … ON A REALITY SHOW … ON NATIONAL TV.
Chris is an absolute mess post-Becca revelation. Now, I assumed Becca would be out at this point considering what happened with Jade last week, but at this point it's a total crapshoot. Chris is super in touch with his emotions, and I've got to give him props for that — it's always okay to cry!
Pre-rose ceremony analysis time! I think I trust Becca the most because she strikes me as the most real out of all of them: I just don't believe in falling in love that quickly. Bachelor Chris is still super confused even after his chat with Host Chris and I actually have no idea who he’s going to pick. I’d like to say that it’s going to be Becca and Whitney, because I really think Kaitlyn is favored to be the next Bachelorette … which would mean she’s got to be eliminated around now. Chris is just going to mope around for a while, so maybe we won't even have a rose ceremony! I really didn't know what was about to happen, you guys, but I was super glued to the screen…
The rose ceremony is held at a temple in Bali, one that is so sacred that physical affection outside of holding hands is verboten. Good thing you're holding the rose ceremony for a trashy American TV show there, right? Always making smart and thoughtful moves, The Bachelor. Chris pulls Becca out of the rose ceremony and they have a very emotional rollercoaster of a chat where Becca finally admits she's in love with him and that she can't stop thinking about him. Finally! As we know from last week, she's never really had a boyfriend before so she's not really sure of how to handle this, which makes perfect sense. Whitney, of course, freaks out with the best line of the night: “How can she be right for him if I'm right for him?” The entitlement is strong with this one. Reeeelax, Whit, babe. You are not the only one here.
To my complete and utter horror, Kaitlyn got eliminated this episode. Like I said, I was sort of hoping she would get eliminated because this basically locks her in as the next Bachelorette, but I was still super sad to see her go for two reasons. 1) she was actually fun and entertaining, and 2) Whitney might actually kill Becca next week and I need Kaitlyn around to moderate. Chris walks Kaitlyn out and as he's comforting her, you can literally see the look on her face as she registers that the man she's in love with is consoling her for humiliating her on national television. It was actually refreshing to see — instead of blaming herself, she blamed him, which is a nice twist on gender roles.
Well, there you have it. I'm exhausted. This episode exhausted me. I had so many feelings about it but not that much material to work with, so I'm kind of at a loss here. I also spent the better part of these last two hours googling flights to Bali and debating how much more heartbreak my wallet can take. See everyone in two weeks for the final episode!
Thoughts and questions
On a sadness scale of 1-10, I'm at an 11 right now. Miss you already, Kaitlyn.
What are you going to do with your now-free two hours on Monday nights when this season wraps up? I'm probably going to join the gym. Maybe.
Would you ever discuss your virginity status on live TV? Would you do it for a million dollars? (I would not.)
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.