Every week that this show is on, the more I remember why I love it. Sometimes the seasons take awhile to get going with the drama — it definitely did last season, although I was not for want of crying, lying and scheming — but this season is not like the others in that regard. We are only at week two and already guns are ablazing with problematic contestants. We've got a lot to cover from tonight's episode, so let's recap!
We know that this episode features Laila Ali (so obviously there's going to be something going on with boxing) and Amy Schumer. This is way better than Jimmy Kimmel last season, so I'm all about it. #GirlPower, ya know? Kaitlyn spends the intro talking about how lucky she feels … over and over again. Like, we get it. Move it along. Every time Chris Harrison sits down with the Bachelorette I'm reminded that he literally has the best job ever. Why don't I get paid to host these shows? I'm a lot funnier than Chris Harrison. But I digress.
We awkwardly segue to BRITT AND BRADY. Yes, Britt is back on the show sporadically now as the producers track her and Brady's budding romance. I'll just lay it out for you right now — they're gonna start dating. You see clips of it throughout the show, and I don't want to waste any more precious word count on Britt. Done.
First Group Date
Of course, the guys and Kaitlyn are taking a boxing class with Laila Ali. How cool is that? I would love to take a boxing class with Laila Ali. As soon as the guys walk into the training space and see Laila, they look like they're going to have a heart attack — particularly Daniel the designer. No one was prepared for a boxing lesson except Ben Z. and Kupah, the former being described by a fellow contestant as “two hundred pounds of human brick wall.” He was definitely prepared. The rest of them? Not so much. While these guys may be sentimental and sweet, they have possibly the worst coordination as a group that I've ever seen. One of them broke a window with a jump rope! How do you do that?
While the guys are busy getting sweaty (seriously, you can see it and it's gross), Kaitlyn's too busy flirting to break a sweat. Do you, girl. That's what you're here for. Kupah spends all his time actually taking a boxing lesson rather than getting to know Kaitlyn … she even complains about it to Laila! (Remember this tidbit — more on this later.) As soon as they finish their class, Kaitlyn announces that they're going to get into the ring and fight to “the death.” I have to say, you gotta hand it to whoever does the video editing for The Bachelor. The cinematography leading up to the main event of each date is always perfectly intense, even if it does look like someone ran it through a MacBook filter before it aired.
As a feminist, I really should hate the idea of men fighting each other just to win the heart of a woman as it's super outdated and pretty repulsive but the reality TV glutton in me LOVED IT. I'm a hypocrite, it's fine. There's a lot of fighting which I can't keep straight, but I do notice that Jared beats Kupah so I guess all those free lessons with Laila Ali didn't work out after all and Jared ends up against Ben Z. in the final round. Ben Z.'s comments on the matter? “It'll be fine. My football buddies would never let me live that down.” Poor Jared. I never root for the underdog, but now I think I'm going to. However, Jared gets totally KOed by Ben Z. (remember, he's a human brick wall) and has to head to the hospital. Despite all this, Kaitlyn and Ben Z. sit down for an extensive chat: they talk about his mother who passed away from cancer, she speaks of Ben's seeming duality. Seriously. Note to Kaitlyn: maybe telling someone that they've got a duality thing going on isn't the best idea when referring to multiple facets of one's personality? But maybe that's just me. Either way, even though he totally knocked Jared out and showed basically no remorse for it (at least on camera), Ben Z. ends up with the first group date rose.
Jared, however, does escape the hospital to come find Kaitlyn! He's not allowed to attend the cocktail party — with good reason since I wouldn't be surprised if the poor guy has a concussion — and he kisses her on the street. Very romantic. Very Love Man. I'm really starting to like Jared, as weird as he is.
One on One Date
Clint gets the one-on-one date — were any of you as surprised as I was? Kaitlyn says it's because of the picture he brought her on the first date. I forgot he was the one responsible for the drawing of Chris Harrison riding a triceratops. Fair point, Kaitlyn, I would have done the same thing. Their date ends up being an underwater photo shoot, which is, according to the underwater photographer, “all the rage” for engagement shoots. I checked with Love Inc.'s editor — it's not. They're trying to bamboozle you!
The underwater photographer/possible swindler ends up making them take a few meditative breaths before they jump in the pool. I love whenever they have some faux spiritual guide trying to make the Bachelor(ette) and their date do weird stuff like that. Remember when Chris went on the retreat last season? It kills me! I love it. Do that forever and I'll always watch this show. Meanwhile, at the house, Tony spends about two whole on-air minutes (which is like fifteen real-life minutes) waxing poetic about love. He starts to sound like that Bible quote that's thrown around at every single wedding you've ever gone to. He also says that he wants to know if Kaitlyn will be able to “coexist” with him. Tonyyyyyyyyyyy. I love you so much, you delicate little flower. The second date card arrives and when Tony hears his name, he keeps saying, “surprise, surprise, here we are!” He just doesn't stop, this guy. All of today's quotes are dedicated to Tony so I'm going to save the rest of them for the end of this post.
Clint gets a rose at the end of his first date and you can tell Kaitlyn is super, super into him. She seems really relaxed and comfortable around him, and starts opening up about how she feels. She tells him, “you bring out a romantic side in me and it's exactly what I've been looking for.”
Amy Schumer finally graces our television screens for the second group date, where the guys have to come up with a stand up routine to impress Kaitlyn, and Amy, along with a few other comedians, coach them on what to say. Amy Schumer should be the next Bachelorette. I could watch her interact with these dudes for days. Amy's first comment to the camera? “This is going to be an absolute massacre.” She's not wrong, some of the jokes are truly funny, but mostly, it just looks painful. Stand-up is not for everyone, my friends, but I applaud anyone who has the guts to do it.
By far, the highlight of the night were Amy's interactions with JJ. The dude's ego is so inflated that he could not tell when she was making fun of him. A typical exchange went like this:
JJ: Sometimes I feel like I'm, like, smarter than 90 percent of the audience.
Amy: No… no, you're not. What's your usual pickup line?
JJ: I'm divorced, I have a kid and I live with my parents.
Amy: Is… that true?
*JJ nods* *Amy chugs entire glass of wine*
Amy's ITM: He’s just missing charisma and humility and a sense of humor, but other than that he’s like basically you should hire him as the next Bachelor… maybe he'll look back on this when it's on TV and try to stop being such a turd.
Amy Schumer is the best human in the world, I've decided.
The guys take the stage and it's a little awkward, a little cute, mostly shame-inducing. Ian opens up with a joke about looking like the Old Spice guy, which is actually a pretty good comparison, but falls flat nonetheless. By far, Cupcake was the absolute cutest on stage. By acknowledging his inability to do stand-up, he actually ended up being pretty funny. And he unbuttoned his shirt, so, you know, cool. But then we come to Tony, who spoke about being grateful for all the opportunities you have the entire time he was on stage. Not a single joke was told (except for a slight nod to how drunk he was). JJ says to the camera, “I couldn't hear him because my own brain was shutting down.” If you are watching this late, just fast-forward it. I promise, your patience levels will thank me later.
Tony pulls Kaitlyn aside during the post-group date cocktail hour (not the real cocktail hour … that's a whole other story) and tells her that while he was here for Britt, he is super into Kaitlyn and that the “switch has been flipped.” So, I guess Tony is 100 percent Team Kaitlyn now. The guys start playing jokes on Justin by knocking on what seems like the counter and seeing how many times he goes outside to see who's there — happens about three or four times. Poor guy. Had to throw that in there because the dude is just so painfully oblivious and it hurts my heart. JJ tells Kaitlyn he has a kid, she eats it up and he gets the second group date rose. Done, boring, expected. Moving on!
The cocktail hour is where tonight's episode really starts to take off. While Clint and Ben Z. agree to take a step back so the other guys can get some time with Kaitlyn, JJ decides to go full steam ahead and takes her away from the group to cement his status as the alpha male in the group. JJ reminds me of the kid that bullied everyone in your kindergarten class, stole your juice, ate your book buddy's cookies, defaced books, but once someone retaliated, he ran right to the teacher. You know who I'm talking about. Mine was named Jonathan and he was a jerk.
So, of course, Tony confronts JJ and it devolves into a huge mess that concerns JJ being a total bully, getting Tony all riled up about being a super emotional guy, and Tony threatening to quit the show. This was either great editing on the part of the Bachelor team or Tony really, really, really shouldn't have agreed to be on a reality show. Either way, JJ is terrible and I'm regretting throwing any kind of support behind him over the last two episodes. Tony whines about not having respect, but it's also like, come on, you're on The Bachelorette, all respect is kinda out the window at this point.
But the night's dramatics aren't over yet! Kupah confronts Kaitlyn about being ignored all day, and she fires right back by calling him out for ignoring her at the boxing date. Which is true! We all saw it but he doesn't seem to realize that maybe she was ignoring him because he ignored her and she wanted to pursue people who showed an actual interest in her. You can tell that Kupah's had a little too much to drink as he gets louder and more aggressive as they argue. You can also tell that Kupah does not like it when he's wrong. She tells him that she felt a connection up until this point when he confronted her, and they part ways. As Kupah is complaining about her to the rest of the guys, she walks up behind him — Kupah's tendency to yell when angry isn't really doing him any favors tonight. She takes him into the bathroom and tells him to leave, that she doesn't want to put him through the rose ceremony and that she's giving him an out. Pretty cool of her considering she caught him smack talking her to the entire group of guys at the house, but he refuses to go. He starts yelling that he doesn't want to leave, that he needs a chance, blah blah blah. It's really remarkable how alcohol can turn some people into four-year-olds in the middle of a temper tantrum.
The episode ends on a cliffhanger: Kupah yelling and screaming at what looks like a production assistant trying to get his final interview before he leaves. Kaitlyn heads out to see what's going on … and we get a To Be Continued screen.
Until next week (and cheers to possibly two rose ceremonies)!
Thoughts & Feelings
- Do you wish you knew Tony IRL as much as I do?
- What was the name of your kindergarten bully? Alternatively, do you know JJ and was he a kindergarten bully?
- Do you also think Kupah probably should have come up with a better argument to stay on the show besides “I think you're hot”?
- Did you buy Chris Harrison's book yet? (I need to ASAP!)
- “Is Kaitlyn supportive? I'm a pretty intense guy.” … You don't say?
- “To have this opportunity is a true blessing.”
- “Being up on stage, it really warms my heart.”
- “Each experience is a learning lesson for all of us.” Yes, learning lesson. This was said during his stand-up act.
- “I don't normally drink and I'm half-tanked right now.”
- “I've determined you're like a combination lock rather than a turn key — you're a little this way, a little this way, a little bit this way, and then … a door opens.”
Texts from My Editor
- “Brady might kill Britt in her sleep and then snuggle next to her dead body for days/weeks until the police find him.”
- “Jared the Ferret is surprisingly athletic.”
- “Dentist has really good teeth. I mean obvi but he really really does.”
Episode 2: Who Is the Bachelorette?
Episode 1: Fireball on the Rocks
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.