Happy Monday, everyone! As Chris Harrison reminded us in tonight's episode, we are officially halfway through this trainwreck. I can't believe half the season is already gone (along with a handful of Bachelors who keep skipping out on the show pre-rose ceremony). We'll get to that but for right now, did anyone catch the promo for this episode with the tagline, “Kaitlyn's dead”? A total WTF moment … and there are plenty of those in this week of The Bachelorette, I can promise you that much. What else is new? Let's recap!
I feel like we've been in San Antonio for three years. I also forgot about Ian! Where we last left off, he sits Kaitlyn down and we know we're about to be in for a bumpy ride. This man is the biggest chauvinist I've ever seen and I watched Juan Pablo's season! This is an actual sentence he uttered on national television: “I came here for the girl who got her heart broken, not to get her field plowed.” White knight complex, much? Dude, not everyone is out here for a savior. He tells Kaitlyn that he sees nothing on her surface and that she's too shallow for him. This entire season is just dudes yelling at Kaitlyn about how she doesn't match up to their fantasies of her although I'm not surprised, I'm disappointed, you know? If she doesn't have a ring on her finger by the season finale, I'm sending a complaint to ABC.
More fantastic quotes from Ian before his dramatic exit: “I just don’t think she’s nearly as complex as I am” and “I’m different than every single person that’s here.” I really hope we can get a tally of exactly how many dates Ian gets once this show airs … if anyone wants to take bets, my money is on exactly zero dates. Oh, but don't worry because he really thinks that this is going to make him the next Bachelor! Let me tell you something, you don't become the next Bachelor just by telling the camera 100 times that you want to be the next Bachelor immediately after ripping the current Bachelorette a new one. That's like walking into an interview with no credentials and expecting to get hired after you tripped your interviewer on your way in. At least he's gone. Bye, Felicia.
And of course, who comes to console Kaitlyn but Nick? He's played the game before and knows what he's doing and he plays the game well. Although at first their discussion of the Ian situation sounds kind of like girl talk, it morphs very quickly into a makeout session. Like, 0 to 60. Nick moves fast. He's also wearing an iridescent bow tie, in case you were wondering. After Shawn realizes Kaitlyn and Nick have been suspiciously absent from the room for 20 minutes, he goes looking for them and sees them kissing in another room. It's just like a John Hughes movie! I can almost hear the bad '80s synth pop playing in Shawn's head. It hurts so good.
Kaitlyn comes in to let the guys know what happened with Ian and they get super riled up about it. Rightfully so! I mean, no one should ever treat another person like that, let alone someone you're trying to seriously date and possibly marry. Josh looks ready to run out, find Ian, and beat him up as long as it ensures that he'll get a rose that night. As Kaitlyn's telling them she isn't going to let it ruin their night, Chris Harrison shows up, signaling that it's time for the rose ceremony. Of course it is. Just kidding! Your night's ruined.
Roses: Jared, Nick, Chris, JJ, Joe, Ben H., Ben Z., Shawn, Tanner
Poor Josh goes home, and I'm super sad to see him go. But no matter, Kaitlyn and her boyfriends are off to Ireland! Which, according to Nick, is the place to fall in love. But, like, have you seen Italy? Or Spain? Or anywhere it doesn't rain most of the time? Cupcake says, “Kaitlyn is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,” so I vote him off the island. That's the wrong show and I don't care. They should do a Survivor/Bachelor crossover. (I'm patenting that.)
Once the guys arrive in Dublin, they see that Nick gets the first one-on-one date, and natch, these dudes are not happy. It's radio silence when Kaitlyn tells him he has ten minutes to get ready. I think the producers had her come in and issue the invite herself so no one would try to bash Nick over the head with a bottle of Jameson, especially Shawn. As Nick puts it, “we're on two shows right now, The Bachelorette and the Shawn Really Hates Nick Show.”
ABC, BTW, if you're reading, absolutely no one cares about Britt and Brady.
On Kaitlyn and Nick's date, Nick tells her that the guys in the house don't like him. I have never seen a bunch of whinier contestants. Even Kelsey wasn't this bad! But if Kaitlyn's learned anything, it's to take what every guy in the house says with a grain of salt. They get pulled into a step dancing street performance (where a girl recording them with her point-and-shoot looks thoroughly disgusted at the Americans ruining a good feis) and end up at a bar where Nick's hand lies firmly under Kaitlyn's shirt. Honestly, it looks like the only thing keeping Nick and Kaitlyn going is lust. It's insane! Nick is sooo touchy feely! Nick tells Kaitlyn, “I like being liked, but it's important to be me, to be who I am.” So basically, he studied Kaitlyn's every move before he decided to drop into the competition. Nick gets a rose — raise your hand if you're surprised!
Here's where things get interesting … Kaitlyn invites Nick back to her hotel room. This is supposed to cause ~ major drama ~ with the men of the house and with viewers across America, which is ridiculous, but hey, this is the society we live in. What I can't figure out is why the contestants are still harping on Nick. This should have ended two episodes ago — focus on yourself! Complaining about Nick won't make him go away, it'll just make him stay on the show longer!
Pro tip for anyone taking a contestant into their hotel room earlier than they should: turn your mics off. That's all I have to say about that.
The second date card arrives as Nick is walking home from Kaitlyn's in the next morning: Tanner, Ben Z., Shawn, Jared, Ben H. and Chris. The moment of truth is nigh … is Nick going to tell the guys that he slept with Kaitlyn? He uses words like “intimate” and “personal” which are clear indicators of what happened without actually saying what happened, but the guys don't seem to pick up on it, so Kaitlyn's safe for now. Shawn, however, looks like he's going to be sick.
The guys arrive at the group date where a mournful looking Chris Harrison tells them, “I regret to inform you that the worst has happened … Kaitlyn is dead.” A collective “WHAT?” rings out across America as he delivers his follow-up, “… for today.” Did anyone legitimately think Kaitlyn was dead? No. Does everyone think this is the tackiest date ever? YES. The guys partake in an “Irish wake” where they eulogize Kaitlyn as she lies in a casket. The eulogy competition is like every high school revenge fantasy come to life (see also: Ross on Friends). Of course, our fave drinker is lying in the casket with a flask in her hand. The guys start their rhyming eulogies (although they tend to taper off after the first few … the kitsch wears off fast). For such a weird date, the eulogies are pretty funny, and Cupcake even sings “Katie Girl” to the tune of Danny Boy. Ben H. brings up something about Kaitlyn getting pecked to death by pigeons while wearing a dress made out of bread, but I'm gonna pretend that didn't happen. Ben Z., however, asks all the guys to leave the room and delivers a very heartfelt eulogy. If you remember, Ben Z.'s mom died when he was younger and he's still having a hard time coming to terms with it.
They end the wake with a banjo singalong, which lightens the mood, although Ben Z. continues during the post-date cocktail hour to discuss his familial issues. Personally, I think he deserves the date rose, but Jared gets it after staring at the stars and talking with Kaitlyn. Jared has a super special connection with Kaitlyn and all the guys can see it, and although he acts insecure, the more I think about it, he's probably the most secure out of anyone. He's the only one with any sensibility about the Nick fiasco. Shawn even pulls out baby pictures of his nephew to try to win Kaitlyn back over.
There's a secret surprise to this date rose, though as they walk down a path lit with candles, they end up at a secret performance by The Cranberries, who perform “Linger” as Kaitlyn and Jared slow dance the evening away. It's very, very, very romantic, and nothing can ruin it … until Shawn goes on a rampage.
Cliffhanger time! Where would we be without them? I don't know how Shawn is planning on ending this, if he's going to confront Jared, if he's going to confront Nick, or both, but what we know for sure is that he's confronting Kaitlyn. We at least have that to look forward to next week! I don't think Shawn is going anywhere, but just in case … let's all pray to the Ryan Gosling gods that he sticks around for just a little bit longer.
Episode 6: Does Anyone on This Show Understand Where They Are?
Episode 5: The Gang Goes to NYC
Episode 4: Sex, Lies and Sumo Wrestling
Episode 3: This Isn’t Church Camp
Episode 2: Who Is the Bachelorette?
Episode 1: Fireball on the Rocks
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.