I know that I always, always, always start my recaps with something along the lines of “OMG, this week's episode was a doozy/mess/rollercoaster” but every time a new episode airs, it's like they have to top all the drama of the previous week. And I get that! It's good for ratings. But I'm about to call in sick tomorrow due to emotional drainage from tonight's episode. (If my boss sees this … I'm kidding and I'll see you at 8:30 a.m.). I've got about three glasses of wine in me and a hell of a lot to discuss, so let's recap!
As we learned last week, there are only three people who will get to go to the overnight dates, meaning two people are getting eliminated in this episode. Quick refresher: we've got Joe, Jared, Nick, Ben H. and Shawn still on deck to win Kaitlyn's heart. Ben gets the one-on-one date, which is super cool because I didn't expect that at all. Usually those go to Jared, so I'm hyped that Ben is finally getting some one-on-one time with Kaitlyn. He even admits his surprise too, and I had to nod in solidarity with him because no one called that. Except probably Reality Steve, but that's cheating. I love these dates right before hometowns because it's when you find out people's true colors, like that news anchor from D.C. last season who scared Chris so much he asked her to leave in the middle of the date.
They go canoeing to a little island where they have a picnic and talk (because in The Bachelor world, you either go picnicking or you do some straight up crazy stuff like a faux wake), and after a quick game of hide-and-seek (????) Kaitlyn and Ben get into a deep discussion about whether or not she can see him as her husband. Ben's kind of boring. If he were a drink, he'd be Coors Light. He tells Kaitlyn that his biggest fear is not being loved back, so he might as well tattoo “Look at me I'm serious about getting married” on his forehead. While he's boring, he's levelheaded, so it adds a nice contrast to the craziness of Nick and Shawn's passive-aggressive drama club. Kaitlyn talks to him about truth, honesty and sex before getting into a relationship — testing the waters before she reveals that she slept with Nick super early on in the season. The show tries to tease that Ben is a virgin a la the Becca Tilley surprise of early 2015, but he's not. Kind of a letdown, but how many virgins apply to be on this show, anyway?
Back at the house, the guys try to decide if the date card — Joe, Shawn and Nick — is talking about “running in muck” or “running amok”. Because, you know, running in muck is my personal idea of a good date? They try to justify that they could be running in muck because they're in Ireland, but I need to justify why the show made me watch them debate this for as long as I did. On the date, Nick and Shawn get into a weird who-can-spend-the-most-time-with-Kaitlyn competition, and poor Joe is left out in the dust. I'm very, very sick of the Kaitlyn and Shawn dynamic. I do want them to end up together, but if they're going to be like this all the time, why not call it a day and end the show early?
Kaitlyn tells the camera, “I hate when people don’t know what’s coming,” so she must be great to have at surprise parties. Just as she's gearing up to confess her night with Nick to Shawn, Mr. Viall swoops in and steals her away, letting Kaitlyn live to see another secret-filled day. Ignorance is bliss, y'all. Side note: can anyone else understand what Nick is saying? I have to turn my TV to maximum volume to even come close to getting at what he's saying.
Kaitlyn and Joe finally get some time together, and when she asks him if he'd be ready to marry her, he kisses her. It's very romantic, very Nicholas Sparks-esque and you can tell she isn't feeling it at all. He tells her that he could kiss her for the next sixty years — and admittedly, he lays it on pretty thick — but you can tell he means it. He's very cute and sincere, so you know something bad is about to happen. Which it does. Kaitlyn looks at him, says she's just “taking in what he's saying,” and then tells him that they're in separate places. When he doesn't understand what happens, she has to brutally lay it on the line for him: she's sending him home. If looks could kill! I know it's a cliché saying, but I totally saw it in his eyes. It makes sense because she doesn't want to put him through a rose ceremony, but this whole scene was so cringeworthy. Anyway, Joe leaves, Kaitlyn denies both Shawn and Nick a rose, and we go to commercial. You can tell Kaitlyn is so over this.
Shawn and Kaitlyn continue a one-on-one date while Nick heads back to the house and recaps the date for Ben and Jared. It did not click with me until about five minutes into the conversation that she took this time so she could confess and when I realized, I was ecstatic. I wanted blood! We've been waiting for this for a literal month at this point. When she finally tells Shawn what happened, the music cuts off, and we're treated to about 20 seconds of stone-cold silence before he asks if she regrets it. I guess for being filmed and being embarrassed on national television about being so clueless as to what the ~ love of his life ~ was doing, he handled it pretty well, except I think he spent about an hour in the bathroom trying to process it. My favorite quote from this scene:
Shawn: I can't be mad about it.
Kaitlyn: Yes, of course you can!
Shawn: Well, OBVIOUSLY, I am!
Can't make this up, folks.
The guys prepare for the cocktail party when Chris Harrison, a walking bad omen, comes out and tells the guys that Kaitlyn's already made up her mind and that there will be no cocktail party. For all the rose ceremonies they prolong, they really don't give these guys a chance to enjoy themselves. Shawn discusses Kaitlyn's tryst with Nick to the cameras all the while referring to him as “the other guy” because I guess he's not good enough for his name. Shawn hints to the camera that he might be walking away from love, but forget about that for a second, because we are about to be at the final three! THREE! Where did the time go?
For a second I thought maybe she wouldn't send anyone home, but then I realized someone has to go, and the moment of reckoning is nigh. She calls up Shawn for the first rose, and he tells her he needs to talk to her in private. So much drama. I feel like I'm back in high school when I watch this show. He launches into a diatribe about trust and respect, discussing all the things he probably should have cleared up prior to the rose ceremony. Kaitlyn tells him she made a mistake by telling him he was the one halfway through the competiton, because obviously it was, but they balance each other out nicely with their power plays. He finally accepts the rose as do Ben and Nick. Love Man is no more *sad face*. Kaitlyn walks Jared out and the first thing he does is offer her his jacket. A total gentleman, through and through. Kind of feel bad that I made so much fun of him during the season premiere.
Kaitlyn and Nick go on a one-on-one date in Dublin where they tour a church and end up at a confessional of course, because where else would you put the biggest source of controversy on your show than at a confessional? I hate this show. They then head to a bar, natch, where they get some advice on life, love and relationships from a few townies, where they tell the couple that the key to a relationship is trust. Maybe Shawn should have been on this date. Nick proceeds to spend entirely too much time bashing Shawn, and Kaitlyn gets insanely fed up with it. While Nick always speaks poorly of Shawn, everyone speaks poorly of Nick, which I genuinely don't think he realized. They get into a mini-fight, but it doesn't matter because Nick and Kaitlyn hit the fantasy suite and spend the morning after lounging around and eating various breakfast foods that Ron Swanson would have turned up his nose at because Canadian bacon isn't real bacon.
Shawn goes to hunt Nick down and confront him about being the biggest jerk ever (on two seasons of The Bachelorette, mind you!) and … that's where we end. This season has too many cliffhangers for me to deal with anymore. I'm stressed out and need to take a nap.
Thoughts and Feelings
- I already miss Joe.
- Keep in mind that Kaitlyn was the second runner up in this competition which means whoever gets eliminated next week could be the next Bachelor!
- Do you think Love Man will ever find love somewhere else?
- WILL ASHLEY S. BE ON BACHELOR IN PARADISE??????
Texts from My Editor
- On Nick “Mumbles” Viall: “Goddammit Nick ENUNCIATE!”
- On Kaitlyn + Shawn: “I had visions of The Notebook dancing in my head during week 3 and now it's more like, Bye Felicia!”
- On Jared's elimination: “Poor Jared. I saw that coming though — he's so sweet but either shave it all the way or grow a full beard. He clearly can't commit.”
- On the very-clearly-paid extras: “You know how I can tell they're full of s***? There's a Coors Light draft. What kind of respectable Irish pub has Coors Light?!”
- On Joe: “Well, I couldn't understand a whole lot of what he was saying. His voice reminds me of that one guy from “King of the Hill.”” (note: It's true, and now I'm going to go binge watch King of the Hill.)
Past Episodes:
Episode 8: Picnics and Parting Ways
Episode 7: Luck of the Irish
Episode 6: Does Anyone on This Show Understand Where They Are?
Episode 5: The Gang Goes to NYC
Episode 4: Sex, Lies and Sumo Wrestling
Episode 3: This Isn’t Church Camp
Episode 2: Who Is the Bachelorette?
Episode 1: Fireball on the Rocks
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.
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