When I was in college, I majored in personal communication and conducted a LOT of relationship research for my senior thesis, which was a case study on how people communicate after they break up. That's probably why I love this show so much. Anyway, I'm starting to think that I should go back into research and analyze the way these people relate to each other throughout the show. An entire Bachelor(ette) case study! My first action: rewatching last season and counting every single time Chris Soules made out with someone and comparing it to Kaitlyn's makeout percentage per episode. This could get real scientific real soon. You heard it here first!
Anyway, you guys. I forgot how labor intensive watching The Bachelorette is after about three months' downtime. I spent the majority of this episode wanting to slap these dudes for continually forgetting that they were on TV. You'd think that would be borderline impossible to forget considering, you know, the film crews, but here we are. Anyway, if you were wondering, Kaitlyn is the new Bachelorette! Chris Harrison wasted zero time in kicking Britt out of the house. Bye, girl, bye. Let's recap!
Britt's Exit
Chris Harrison approached Britt first and told her that unfortunately, she was not the Bachelorette. She spent about five minutes after that “trying to process” that information, also known as “trying to get as much screen time as possible.” (I exaggerate, but she talked entirely too much.) He then went to Kaitlyn and used the same unfortunately line … only to tell her that he sent Britt home, and that she'd be the new Bachelorette. That Chris Harrison, always with so many tricks up his sleeve! The camera of course does an ITM (In the Moment) with Britt as she leaves the Bachelorette house for what will hopefully be the last time, and I honestly couldn't help feeling bad for her. She genuinely seemed so hurt, and who can blame her, when you think about it? Her ‘Bachelor' persona may have totally sucked, but the woman did get rejected on television twice.
Chris Harrison gives Kaitlyn the rundown of her ~official duties~ as Bachelorette — apparently she was so far removed from last season that she forgot that she has to do the Rose Ceremony at the end of the night. Admittedly, as this is the third hour of The Bachelorette I've taken in in under twenty four hours, I forgot, too. It felt like she'd been there for a week already as I settled in for tonight's episode. But yeah, dude, it's not all fun and games and making out with everyone you see (see aforementioned case study). Kaitlyn calls her mom to tell her she's the Bachelorette and her mom tells her to go find her future son-in-law. Like, ok, Mama Bristowe, way to make it all about you.
Kaitlyn's First Night As The Bachelorette
Chris Harrison heads out to the main room to reveal Kaitlyn as the Chosen One, and in typical Chris Harrison fashion, drags it out to be way longer than it needed to be. Maybe he's Britt's soulmate? Shawn B. (for those of you who are also terrible with distinguishing between these lovely men, is the Ryan Gosling lookalike who gave Kaitlyn a drawing his young nephew did, so duh, I'm swooning all over the place here) was absolutely freaking out. You could tell the anticipation was killing him — and as soon as Kaitlyn walked into the room, he did the best imitation of emoji hallelujah hands I've ever seen. I like this guy a lot — he's definitely a big contender. (Don't worry – haven't read that far into Reality Steve yet!)
Has anyone else noticed that every other guy on this show is a personal trainer? Did the Bachelorette pool really narrow that much? Apparently so, considering that train wreck Ryan McDill from last night is actually the ex boyfriend of Nikki from Juan Pablo's season. The Bachelor world keeps getting smaller and crazier. Either way, the men are all freaking out about the first impression rose, because of course, it's a monumental thing. I do have to paraphrase Katy Perry here and remind you all to look out for the Britt in sheep's clothing, because she got the first impression rose and look how she ended up the rest of the season?
We finally get some one-on-one time with Mr. Tony, who's off by himself brooding in a corner. Probably thinking about life and how his potential for love is hanging in the cosmic balance. I'm over here like, “I could eat some pizza with this wine right now,” and Tony's telling the camera that “there is only one drinking fountain and we all must stand in the same line.” Gross. Interesting analogy … but gross. I love this dude! He's my shining star.
A few of the guys thought it was necessary to confess to Kaitlyn that they voted for Britt. An interesting gamble, and I like people who take risks. Jared and JJ both tell Kaitlyn that they originally came here for Britt, but make it clear that they're staying for the journey. I still think it was a really weird thing to do, but hey, whatever is going to calm your conscience. The two seem extremely nervous while talking to her, but as literally anyone who watched last season could tell you, Kaitlyn is the coolest girl on the planet and takes it all in stride. Every time I see her doing her Bachelorette thing I get a happy and mushy feeling inside. My baby bird flew out of the nest, landed on her feet and became the Bachelorette like I knew she would!
We pan over to the guys milling around and complaining to each other that they aren't getting any time with Kaitlyn instead of taking the initiative and going to talk to her. I swear to god, it's like as soon as they put these men into the show it's like they took all their knowledge of human interaction out of their heads. I want to smack them all in the face and remind them that they are looking for love on one of the biggest reality shows in the entire world … and they're complaining that they have to compete? I just. I don't get it. Every season there's at least one person who apparently had no idea what The Bachelor was and didn't realize that there was a competition aspect to it. JJ even takes it a step further and complains about it to Kaitlyn's face but then he kisses her. Guess he realized that he needed to make a move. God forbid she talks to any of the other 20 guys in the house.
First kiss of the night goes to Chris the dentist (man, don't you love when the universe aligns just right to drop some irony in the middle of a situation?). However, while talking to Shawn B., Kaitlyn walks into the main room… and grabs the first impression rose! Shawn B. gets it — cause for major celebration IMO.
Rose Ceremony
I'd be lying if I said I didn't love the rose ceremony. There is always so much drama, and I live for the drama on this show. I honestly can't figure out what side I'd rather be on, either. I think about it probably an unhealthy amount: would I rather be breaking a bunch of hearts or risking getting mine broken? A daunting task either way. I applaud them. When the day comes that I'm on The Bachelor (it's going to happen), I'll let you all know if it's as bad as it looks on TV.
Roses: Chris, Ben H., JJ, Joe, Kupah, Daniel, Ryan B., Joshua, Tony (YES!!!)
But wait! Brady tells Kaitlyn he needs to talk with her. The first ceremony? Dude's got cojones. But he pulls her aside and tells her that he needs to pursue the connection he had with Britt. With a hug and a very casual “see ya,” Brady departs. The dude was like a walking eighth grade love letter. As he left, he said: “the risk of love, no matter the consequence, is always worth it.” I'm honestly not sad to see him go. Onward and upward!
Roses continued: Clint, Corey, Jonathan (UNCLEAR), Cory, Ben Z., Tanner, Ian, Justin … and Jared. Love Man lives to save another day!
The previews for the upcoming season look incredible: lots of crying, Amy Schumer, lots of crying, pre-Fantasy Suite ~*relations*~, lots of crying… you get the drill. And not all of the crying is from Kaitlyn! AND NONE OF IT IS FROM BRITT! Hallelujah.
Thoughts & Feelings
- Did anyone else catch that Nick Viall from Andi Dorfman's season is on his way to steal Kaitlyn from the competition?! Very interested to see how that plays out. Never a dull moment in Chris Harrison's world!
- Jared's reaction to Brady leaving was priceless — his eyes just popped right out of his head! Mental note: turn that into a reaction gif, use in every tweet ever.
- How do you think they managed to swing two guys named Cory S. on this season?
Texts from the Editor
I'm just going to leave one picture here, as nothing else will do it justice. (She made this, BTW). See you all next week for episode 3!
Past Episodes:
Episode 1: Fireball on the Rocks
Meghan is a recent graduate of SUNY Geneseo with a degree in Personal and Professional Communication. You can find her at the nearest Chipotle tweeting about Drake, her sorority little and Project Runway.
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